These are all direct quotes/convos with my mother...this is where my shit comes from...did I say I look exactly like her too? Enjoy.
Me: Oh dear god…I never want kids.
Mom: No you’ve got to pop out at least one so you don’t get breast cancer.
“I wonder what would happen if I farted into my i-phone’s voice recognition...go grab my phone.”
Mom: Your father and I are apart of the NPL.
Me: What the fuck is that?
Mom: National Porn League.
“I’m a fan of doggy.”
“You want to know the secret to a successful marriage? Beer.”
“You better become a famous writer,.. I want to walk around naked in your house in the Hamptons and walk in on you and your husband doing it… and be like ‘yeah this is awkward isn’t it’…next time knock!”
“I don’t get your generation’s fixation on giving head…just have sex.”
Me: So I think this lesbian likes me.
Mom: All right, this is what you do…you just start talking about how you want to fuck the shit out of this dude….and get graphic.
“Are you a lesbian?”
“Birth control and a condom….and you’re still here.”
“No seriously…do you like girls?”
Mom: I thought they were talking about anal.
Me: No, butt plugs.
Mom: Oh, well that's a whole different ball game then.
Mom: Look! You use it to cut your lettuce and when you are done it doesn't make the lettuce yellow.
Me: Have you used it yet?
Mom: No...I only bought it cause it was yellow.