So I'm going to my first gyno exam today.... I know. I know. I'm 24. What the fuck.
Which I kind of forgot about since I had to make the appointment over a month ago, hiding from the kids I nanny, only to have them scream, "Natalie! Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to?!? I'm allowed to know!"
Besides that moment, I tried not to think about it. Until, I got into the shower ten minutes ago and looked down.
"shit."
Which is probably karma for me saying, "I don't have to shave shit!" to myself every time I'm in the shower since my, "I'm no longer having unemotional sex," vow.
Which, might I add, has been fucking amazing. It's so much easier. I'd thought I'd miss the drunken sex when, you know, I got drunk but I dont have to share my bed anymore! I don't have to feign interest in subjects we both knew neither one cares about! I don't have to share my food anymore!!!! I. Fucking. Love. It.
But I will admit, I have been hounding my best guy friend who's getting married if their was anyone I could hook up with at the reception.
Whateva, that's in a month. I'm allowed to have a prescheduled slip- up in a month. And he gave names. Those poor boys.
What do I wear to a gyno? Do I wear a skirt for easy access? Paint my toe nails? Draw a dog with a Sharpie near it. What if he and/or she doesn't like it? Are they allowed to not like it? Am I allowed to not like it? Cause I don't like it. Seriously, vaginas are icky. They are all vaginaey and shit.
Ew.
Ug, I'm so not ready for this. But we all know I'm going to do/ say some awkward shit and then write about it for you all to laugh.
I do this shit for you guys, god damnit. I do it for you!
I will take your questions one at a time:
ReplyDelete1) Wear whatever you want, they'll make you take it off anyway.
2) Don't bother with a skirt, they'll make you take it off anyway.
3) Paint your nails if you want, but they probably won't notice either way.
4) The puppy drawing might be a good way to tell if you have an awesome gyno or not based on whether they laugh or get very quiet.
5) They won't like or dislike it because they are dead to vaginas. Seriously, they'll look at your twat like a chef looks at a rib eye.
All that said, it will still be one of the more uncomfortable and embarrassing experiences of your life. Welcome to womanhood!
When I went to my first gyno appointment I was 18, single, and knocked up. That was fucking scary. Then, they told me to remove ALL of my clothes and put on that paper gown/drape shit. So I did, but I left my socks on. One was pink. One was purple and white stripes. I'm crazy like that. Then? with the doctor man between my legs checking things out, I apologized for having mismatched socks.
ReplyDeleteI had my first gyno appointment when I was 19.
ReplyDeleteHe was cute and I was embarrassed that I was getting my cooter checked out by a guy that was about to find out that I didn't really have a cooter.
Just kidding. That didn't really happen.
I have, however, been at the doctors office getting checked for Gonorrhea and Herpes and Chlamydiae. I remember it well...my doctor was a older female, very endearing lady. She told me to drap my drawers. I was embarrassed because I had just recently shaved down there and still have a few razor bumps. Not to mention the stretch marks on my thighs from my super intense workouts. *not*
That is the closest a female face has ever come to my penis. Might have freaked my penis out a bit, and that is why i did not get even the tiniest bit of a stiffie.
Good news, I was STD free!