“So you’re telling me that you never want to be happy with a man? You’re just going to push everyone away aren’t you?”
No mother (and other friends), obviously if I found a dude who found my wise ass cracks undeniably charming I’d lock that shit down real quick.
HOWEVER…that has not happened yet. So yes. I am going to ignore the stage five clinger that leaves me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period…I wish that was an exaggeration.
And yes, I’m going to be a complete lady douche (the act of, not the product) to majority of men I meet…in hopes to ward off stage five clingers that leave me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period.
Seriously, I’m cool and decently cute (in the right lighting) but I’m not, "leave me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period," cute.
It’s not that I don’t want to find my significant other, because eventually sure, my high metabolism will catch up to me and I’ll need to lock down a dude before these love handles get out of control…. Well that, and I know I’ll be way to fucking lazy to take care of 15 cats when I’m older… or myself, for that matter.
I’m just not “Sarahjessicaparking” it all over the city, yah know?
Side note: Sarahjessicaparking is a term I coined to mean, “Ladies who run around NYC drunk and half-starved, trying to find their soul mates, who then in turn write about it in their shitty blogs while laughing at the shitty puns and terms they just made up… and they are probably drinking some sort of cheap liquor, too.”
So technically, yes, at this moment in time I am Sarahjessicaparking the shit out my blog right now. Fuck off.
Any who, I just don’t care about this whole soul-mate searching shindig. I’ve found Hellman’s mayo, Saturday Night Live, Michelob Ultra and youporn.com; I’ll be content for years.
Call me selfish, but have you ever mixed Hellman’s mayo with Heinz ketchup? It’s life changing.
But if someone conveniently drops my soul mate into my lap while making my fancy sauce…then…you know…I’m down.
So until that happens, I’ll probably keep on pushing away all the “acceptable men” in my life… and my mother will keep yelling at me over the phone “He was Jewish and a lawyer?!? God damnit, Natalie. Marry him.”
"Yes, mom. A successful jewish lawyer...with a coke addiction."
There's nothing wrong with holding out for something, or someone, who deserves you and appreciate you. Clingers are obviously not for you, so who needs them. The best way to deal with those people are to be blunt and tell them to back off.
ReplyDeleteI am not a fan of the mayo & ketchup combo, but yes I've heard it's a-m-a-z-i-n-g when given a fair shot. I hope you find someone who is not a stage 5 clinger to enjoy it with.
ReplyDeleteI dated a Jewish lawyer. Not as fun as you'd think. Unless you think it's not fun. Then you would be right.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, my mom LOVES mayo and ketchup together. She also likes to mix in sweet onion sauce. If you try it, let me know how this works for you.
Hey, just found you through 20somethings blog (I'm a book blogger) and you're hilarious! Worked for a jewish lawyer once and he was kinda cray...so yeah. Keep on keeping on.
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i so love helmans and heinz. Moms love to metal don't they. you had me at fancy sauce, michelob, and snl anyways. someones gonna snatch you up quick smart someday.
ReplyDeleteI dated this jewish attorney named Stellman once. Emphasis on the "once." He wanted to take me home and show me a 6 foot watercolor of "his puss." First, a guy should not call a cat "puss" under any terms, and even more importantly, a guy should never have a 6 ft. painting of said cat in his living room. It was a bloody shrine to that feline. I say hold out for the real thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of at that point too. I'd love to find my soulmate, but stuff just isn't happening right now. And I'm not going to settle for the guys who I could have (because there have been several) simply to have a guy. I don't know. The only legitimate "relationship" I've been in to this point just kind of fell into my lap when I was least expecting it, so I guess I'm hoping for that.
ReplyDeleteMayo and ketchup are a delightful combination, especially on chicken sandwiches and burgers.
And if you ever get to the point where 15 cats is a reality, I doubt you'll be at the point of caring how clean your place is.
Weird, there must be something in the water... or something. I'm going through a similar "no soulmate" phase thing. Honestly I don't believe in them anymore and I'm working on a blog post about it too... Weird. Maybe it's that blue moon. I'm blaming it. Also... I've totally tried mayo and ketchup... I agree, it is fucking amazing.
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