My biggest fear if I ever become successful, with my own television special (now this wouldn’t be for a long time seeing as I still need to do the whole “stand-up” part) is the inevitable fact that some guy I’ve screwed is going to be flipping through the channels, recognize my face/shrill voice/cankles, turn to the first person next to him, whether it a roommate/stranger/cellmate and say:
“Dude…fucked her.”
And now, it’s not really the guy I screwed I’m worried about because yeah, whatever, I made my bed now I have to lie in it. It’s the roommate’s/stranger’s/cellmate’s reaction I’m worried about.
“Gross….” Or “Nice…”
Look, cellmate 17389 you don’t know me. Maybe I chugged a few too many wine coolers that night, and Joey called me fat, okay? And I loved Joey and he didn’t love me back, and I was feeling chunky that night. And maybe, just maybe, your buddy, cellmate 71377 or as I like to call him, Jorge, told me I was a fine slice of white-heaven as he held my hair back while I vomited on his shoes.
Would you say no to that, cellmate 17389? Would you?!
Or maybe the guy I screwed was way out of my league. It doesn’t matter that it’s taking him way tooooooooo long to figure out that simple math in his head, stranger who is at a loss for words. And maybe, just maybe, he likes high-fiving more than the average male. Whatever, he’s hot, dumb and was filled with the adequate amount of ruffies at the time. Sorry if I saw this golden opportunity and jumped on it… literally.
I’m an opportunist, not a thismightbewrongist.
Nah! It'd Be all.."DUDE!! Me and her Got. It. On!!" and then cellmate #17389 would be all.."No.. No you didn't" and he's be all " Yeah but my buddy did" and cellmate #17389 would be all "No..No he didn't".. And then they guy would say" Yeah but you can imagaine what it would be like if he did right?!" Billy Madison...?? No..?
ReplyDeleteaaaaaaahahahahha i just might a weird female who likes to high five more than the average anybody. esp right after sex, but only if he did a good job. you know that when you get famous, dudes are gonna call you up and insist that you guys slept together. we're all fame hungry! hilarious post xx
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