The fact that I am not morbidly obese yet baffles me.
I eat. Like a lot. Like I’ve finished whole pizzas on my own. Consumed full course dinners while still having room for a 12-inch sweet onion teriyaki chicken sub (with extra mayo) from Subway that was literally consumed in under ten minutes (and if you don’t believe me, I have people to attest to that to that glorious fact).
Condiments (with one in particular) hold a special place in my heart. I love you Hellman…always and forever.
There will be two cakes at my wedding. One for me and one for my guests…the one for myself will be bigger.
I have put chocolate syrup on bacon. On more than one occasion.
If that doesn’t scream “type two diabetes” I have no clue what the fuck does.
And it’s not like I’m fat…I mean I could be skinnier (said the skinny lil' white girl)…but I wear size six jeans. All my fancy jackets that are currently in my closest rotation are size small. I’m what some would call a “little petite white bitch.”
Artery clogging amounts of s’mores, Oreo balls, cookies, etc. have been shoved into my mouth on multiple occasions. And I looked good doing it too…well I looked like I was about to vomit…whatever…tomato tomato.
Hmmm…that saying doesn’t seem to work as well on paper. Whatever, fuck it. You know what I’m trying to say.
Even my roommate is baffled by my eating habits:
“I feel like you’re the monster in the village that I have to feed constantly or you’ll kill everyone.”
“I feel like in every scene you should be eating.”
Matt: “When you get famous can I be your personal assistant?'
Me: “Oh god, I don’t even know what I would do with a personal assistant.”
Matt: “Are you kidding? Buy you food. Make you food. Feed you food. Go buy you more food.”
Even random people are baffled by this shit:
Waitress: “He got the single burger…she got the double (laughs and pointing at me). You think it be the other way around.”
…I did not leave her a tip. Well, I did...put only 20 percent! I bet she'll think twice about saying such hurtful things about my eating habits, or not, bitch.
And I’m not really complaining about this situation. I love to eat. And I’m lucky enough to not gain (that much) weight with my daily binges. However, I know this moment is fleeting.
Cause when this shit catches up to me…it ain’t going to be pretty.
My girlfriend is the same way. She can eat (and drink) me under the table, yet never manages to put on a single pound of weight.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple skinny friends that eat twice as much as my chubby self. It's funny and frustrating all at once. :)
ReplyDeleteI'd have punched that waitress right in the vagina.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy this awesome ability...it may be fleeting, but don't think about that. Live in the (food) moment!
I would eat it on a train, I would eat it on a plane. I would eat it on a boat, I would eat it with a goat...I love it, I love it, Ma'am I am...
ReplyDeleteIt's not only caught up with me, it's landed on my ass and multiplied.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing! I eat constantly. I practically have more junk food than belongings, I kid you not, and I do not gain weight. Also I just tried the bacon sundae at Burger King and if you love bacon with chocolate syrup, you'll love it even more with ice cream and caramel sauce. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteOnly 20%? I thought that was the standard. Or are you subtly saying that your benevolence knows now bounds, even when you're pissed off?
ReplyDeleteI'm only throwing this out because I care about you, but...have you ever thought maybe you have worms? I'm just saying, it's a thing.
ReplyDelete