One is that I have this uncanny ability to read people and situations. And while yes, I know this sounds great in theory, but honestly, it's not.
It's so much easier to live in that deluded sense of reality, than actually face what's coming your way. It also sucks because you second guess your first instinct constantly. Every moment where there is a 50/50 chance of something going the way you want it to and how it actually will, you will always choose the "going your way"side.
And you will always end up angrily kicking empty boxes paired some massive hate/angry/i wish I wasn't so pathetic impulse eating. Oh, and there will be crying. A shit ton of crying. Not in public though, that's not your style. Your mother taught you at a young age that crying (especially if you are a lady) is a sign of weakness.
And to an extent showing any sort of emotion publicly is a huge sign of weakness. So you will walk into your place of business with the majority of your peers being none the wiser to your imminent need for an IV filled with Michelob ultra permanently strapped to your arm.
You will be stuck doing some mundane task like staring at a door, to have a male aquatiance at said place of business saunter up to you in a humorous way, whisper, "Now that we are alone" and kiss you.
Yeah. Kiss you. A man you barely know will find the need to kiss you... It will happen so quickly that you won't be able to react, except you wil be super pissed at yourself that that was the moment you decided to be leaning against a fucking wall. Granted you didn't know that dude was going to saunter up and kiss you for no aparant reason in the next 5 seconds, but still... What the fuck were you thinking.
You'll laugh, and say, "Haha, I needed that right now. " But you didn't. It was basically the last thing you needed to happen in your life at that very moment.
And you will say to yourself this is not your life... But it is your life. And you will forever find yourself in situations just like this. Which is also probably why you drink so much, beer just makes everything so much easier to handle.
Which leads me to the second thing I hate about myself, I hate my ability to take really shitty moments in my life and make them humorous for my peers.
Why you ask? Because inevitably that is what everyone will expect from you, it's as almost as if you can't be sad. Ever.
Well no, I take that back. You've got two weeks to feel like shit. And that's usually all it takes, two weeks to get over the initial shock of it all. Yeah you'll be hurt, or pissed, or constipated, (whateva, sometines shit doesnt happen) after the two weeks are done but at that point you have over-thought every possible angle of said situation that now you are just fucking pissed. And out of mayo.
This does not bode well for any part of your functioning society.
You'll be confused by why on this shittiest shit, shit of days you are getting hit on by an inordinate amount of attractive men, in a moment in your life where you've never been more disgusted by who you are as a person than right now.
It doesn't make sense. It never will make sense. But in two weeks you'll find a way to tie it back to how your red puffy eyes makes it look like you're really stoned... And come on, who doesn't want to hit on the stoner chick with mascara running down her cheeks?
But like always you will allow this cycle to continue... seeing as humor is the best way to avoid any real situation or emotion in your life. Leaving those around to think that you truly are okay.
One day you'll think you have found a solution to end this cycle in the future, but you haven't. And you never will. Because are simply not that type of girl. ...And that fact alone will always eat away at you, but there is nothing you can do, because without it, you would be, "that girl."
And you are not, nor will ever be, "that" God damn "girl".