There’s nothing more black sheepy than openly pouring vodka
out of a flask into a champagne flute filled with sparkling apple cider at your
cousin’s southern Baptist wedding…during the best man’s toast.
But I think there are moments in your life where some higher
being is testing you and your character. And at 10:45p.m. on Saturday night my “test
of character” was whether or not I am an alcoholic.
Guess what. I am.
To be completely honest, I failed this “test” around six p.m. when my brother,
his girlfriend and myself realized that there was a bar right next to the
pre-pre reception area, and practically ran (with cash in hand) to the hipster
bartender and panted, “Do you… have…Michelob…Ultra?”
He did.
We smiled. And walked back amongst the Baptists with 2 beers
in each hand gleefully smiling at the fact that we were about to be inebriated
WHILE simultaneously offending 95% of the wedding party.
Now that, my friends,
is a skill that cannot be taught.
Does this make me a terrible person? Absolutely. I will
never deny the fact that I don’t make the most mature decisions in my life.
They are mostly based on what I want at that particular moment. And at that
particular moment I wanted an IV filled with grain alcohol attached to my arm.
But at that moment, Michelob Ultra was the next best thing.
I’m sorry. But I want, what I want, when I want it. And if
that makes me a selfish, immature asshole, then so be it. I’m only 23; I can do
that “mature” bullshit later.
Yes, I should have been the mature cousin that I want my
southern Baptist family to see me as, but seeing as they have absolutely no
clue what I really am like… and yet I’m still considered a black sheep…why hide
the truth from them any longer?
And come on! When you are being constantly bombarded with
“When are you getting married, sugah?”/”Why aren’t you dating anyone,
sugah?”/”Did New York City make you a lesbian, sugah?” A constant flow of
alcohol is necessary to numb the pain from endless hours of biting ones tongue.
(Weed would have been good at that moment, too.)
What really pisses me off is these people will never know
what I am truly like, because if they did, I would naturally be shunned from
any social gathering. They never need to know that my favorite pastime is
drinking/writing while completely and/or half naked.
They never need to know about my opinions on abortions,
because surely we shall disagree.
And I’m praying to God, none of them noticed me flipping off
my brother in the church, while waiting to take the family wedding picture.
I think what pisses me off the most is that they have
automatically written me off as an unreligious drunk heathen. But I’m Catholic!
I’m like kind of super duper religious.
Drinking doesn’t make you less religious, southern Baptists.
It just makes you a shit ton more fun to be around. And I know you won’t agree
with me until you drink, but you never will partake in that beautiful moment
when the alcohol touches your lips.
So until you can see that I’m obviously right, all I have to
say to you is… Bahhhhhhhhhhh.
My goodness. Who can blame you for drinking when people are trying to fish for clues about you being a lesbian? I didn't say tactfully, I just said fishing.
ReplyDeleteI think my family would disown me all together if they had any clue who I really am, but that is exactly why most of the time, they don't ask and I don't tell. I'm sure by now most of them realize that I'm an atheist, but that never stops certain ones from asking if I've found a church home yet. I just smile and say no. Hey, if you ask, I will definitely tell you. :-)
People should not be allowed to have dry weddings. If you don't want to drink fine, but leave the rest of us to our own vices and fun. I'm totally sneaking in a flask to the next wedding I'm forced to go to.
Next time you should snort something off of a bridesmaid's ass for good measure.
ReplyDeleteI grew up Southern Baptist. It was rough. I completely support your decision to be drunk in that situation - I might have done the same thing. :D
ReplyDeleteBest part of being a Catholic? Being a drunk Catholic. I'm with ya there
ReplyDeleteXXX vids porn freesexwatchvid movie. Free porn movie xhamsterhd videos. High porn videos lovpornhub porn.
ReplyDelete