...for the dudes
1. Be a dick.
…want a lady to love you? Treat her like shit…ignore her phone calls…give her disapproving glances when she doesn’t order the salad like you had recommended…you’ll have her heart for life.
2. Shove a shit ton of meat in your mouth.
2. Shove a shit ton of meat in your mouth.
…I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.
3. Pay for her food.
3. Pay for her food.
…the more a lady feels like a prostitute…the more likely you and your lady friend will bone you.
4. Bring condoms.
4. Bring condoms.
…it says you're in charge...like, “Hey…the clap doesn't have me....I have the clap.”
5. Shake your hips excessively while walking.
5. Shake your hips excessively while walking.
…look…your lady/man/tranny friend is always going to be judging your sexually “ability” by your swagger….so just shake yo hips…problem solved.
...for the ladies:
1. Don’t be afraid to be a whore…
...We all know that classic saying…“The easy girl catches the worm…or HPV…”
2. Drink. Drink. Drinkity. Drink.
… Anything and everything in your sight. Nothing is more endearing than the sloppy drunk screaming Journey, three octaves too high while simultaneously vomiting on yourself a little bit…and while yes you may not remember anything that happened on that fateful date…your lover friend will never be able to burn that image out of his corneas.
3. Shove a crap ton of meat in your mouth.
…I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.
4. Let your lady garden grow.
…I honestly can’t think of anything sexier.
5.Lower your expectations.
…You’re not perfect, babe. Sorry to burst that bubble…but let’s get out of fantasyland and venture into a more realistic setting. This is how mediocrity works in good ol’ Merica.
Sad thing is, this is all true. Even the bit about a man shoving meat in his mouth. I mean, I am a vegan, but when I meet a dude vegan, I think,"this guy is a sissy."
ReplyDeleteWell no fucking wonder I've been single! I've been doing it all wrong!
ReplyDeleteI second Tanya. I'm changing my ways thanks to this post. Looking forward to HPV!
ReplyDeleteI've got #3 DOWN. Vomisinging is like my favorite ever.
ReplyDeleteLonely guys don't stay lonely forever. If you're a gal and not getting any, the next time a guy asks then say yes.
ReplyDeleteOOOH! You forgot one for the ladies: constantly allude to being bi-sexual. That'll get you a man EVERY time. ;)
ReplyDeleteWait what... on a serious note, that puts guys off?! Well now that explains a lot... Wine mikes me bi sometimes... Bi and verbal about it...
DeleteHave these tips found you a love match? Because then maybe I should try it. Not that I go on dates or anything.
ReplyDeleteI know so many people that fall into both lists...
ReplyDeleteThis guy in work is the total embodiment of your dude tips, but sadly it does seem to work.
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ReplyDelete