Penises have always, always confused me. And when I say confuse, I kind of really mean that I have always been jealous of any person with a penis. You people with your penises; you live a charmed life.
But alas, no matter how long I chased after this “fairy tale” life. I was never able to capture this wanting. No, this need, to pee standing up.
It happened when I was seven. I accidently walked in on my brother in the bathroom, and there he was. Peeing and standing! It made absolutely no sense. How was the pee making it into the toilet? How did I not know I could do this?
I closed the door, allowing my brother to finish his “important” business and impatiently waited. And waited.
“Come on, Nathan! You’re like a girl in the bathroom!”
He opened the door, with the putrid smell of ass wafting in the bathroom.
“Enjoy.”
But I didn’t care. This was going to be my moment. Adrenaline rushing, I flew into the bathroom –forgetting to close the door –unbutton my pants and wait for the sound of tinkling. But it didn’t happen.
“Natalie Paige Wall!” screamed my horrified mother as she caught me hovering over the toilet and staring down at my pee-drenched underwear.
“What are you doing?!”
“Peeing.”
She grabbed my hand, shoved me into new clothes (which was a dress that I absolutely hated and threw a fit about) and dragged me outside to my father.
“It’s time for the talk.” She said airily to my dad.
“Really?”
“Talk to your daughter!”
Twenty minutes later and a lot of awkward phrases from my father, I was pissed off. All of a sudden god seemed like a dirty little bastard to me. Life was so unfair. Never would I get to write my name in the snow with my own pee. Never would I be able pee wherever I wanted. It was so wrong, so unjust. But God couldn’t have thought of everything. There must be a loophole.
“Wait, so why don’t I have a penis again?”
“Cause, you are a girl.”
“Wait, can I grow one?”
“No.”
“Can I make one?”
“No.”
“So you are telling me that I can never pee standing up.”
“Yes.”
“What if I arch my back?
“No.”
My father was lying! This was bullshit. I know I can pee standing up. I can just feel it. So, whatever, I don’t have a penis. Saying I can’t pee standing up just cause I’m a girl, well, that’s just racist, dad. I just need practice, that’s all.
And oh, did I practice. I practiced in my bathroom, I practiced in my parent’s bathroom, I even practiced in public bathrooms at the mall, but my mom always seemed to catch me.
“Natalie, why are your feet facing the toilet?”
“I don’t know.”
“God dammit, Natalie!”
But it never happened. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how far I arched my back. I never heard that tinkling sound of success.
To this day, I still sigh a breath of jealously any time I see a guy pee standing up. It was never a hygiene thing for me or some OCD thing. It was pure laziness. You men get everything, and you don’t even appreciate it.
I'm jealous of boys and their penises when I'm in the woods. I do a lot of hunting and fishing......and peeing with a penis is MUCH more convenient than squatting. Especially when ice fishing and I have about four layers of pants to remove just to pee. Grrr...
ReplyDeleteThat reminds me of a story when I went white water rafting with a high school JROTC group. One of girls on our boat had to do bad, so at one of the wait stations, she had to climb out, go into the woods, and she took a long time.
DeleteThere some toilets in the world known as "Squat Toliets" which is basically a toliet built on the flat floor that you can't sit on. The name basically explains itself. There popular in Asia, and some parts of Europe, but pretty much non-existent in America.
As I was searching through travel sites a year ago looking for ideas for useful items for backpacking trips, I stumbled upon this in a forum :http://biorelief.com/gogirl-female-urination-funnel.html. Don't own one, but I felt I should share my findings after reading this post.
ReplyDeleteAnd we can grow beards.
ReplyDeleteApart from that, I think the jealousy swings both ways.
Well, you CAN you just need a funnel.
ReplyDeleteThey give out She-Pee's in festivals over here in the UK...essentially just a cardboard funnel.
ReplyDeleteI did go out with a girl who could pee standing up which was one of the more weird things she used to do.
Ooh, speaking on behalf of men everywhere I would say we do in fact appreciate peeing standing up, because we are that lazy. And hate to clean. And to sit...
ReplyDeleteThat being said, penises are confusing indeed....
Women in many parts of Africa pee standing up so it is not impossible. Otherwise just get some she-wees - http://www.shewee.co.za/. I tried one out and they do work!!
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised you never heard of these woman peeing mechanisms before.
ReplyDeletePenis Envy is real!! and at the sporting goods store I work at they actually sell the funnel/'lady adapter' so you can feel the power of peeing standing up. I've worked there for 6 years and I just sold my first one. I always wondered why those bitches weren't flying off the shelves. We were meant to be best friends!
ReplyDelete