Why don't they make mayo flavored candles?!?!
...by the way, the candle smelled like Type 2 diabetes, so yes...I was pleased.
Oh wait? What is that? Mayo? In a bag?!?! It's all the rage in London.
That's dog shit! Well not really, it's just chocolate...I hope...because I definitely still ate it.
Actually, I lied...it's a glob of melted meth in a christmas bag. It. Was. Awesome.
You little fucker, Monte. You're cute as hell but you're basically a demon spawn, that I love. Monte is a dog, btw.
I will say this Monte, I am impressed by your ability to shit into a bag...few possess such talent. You have a gift my friend, don't hide it under a bushel basket!
Oh Hellmann, you do bring out the best...the best in ME!
Why yes...that is Dora the Explorer. And why yes...I did proclaim, "What the fuck?!" When I saw Dora's whorish eyes staring back at me when I opened the gift.
Oh wait, what's that Dora? You say you brought me gifts? Now what could a little whore like yourself give a drunk? Check your backpack? Well fuck a duck. I did want two 24 ounce Michelob Ultra cans! I really did!!!
Side note: I was plastered by 2 p.m. and spilling beer on myself by 8 p.m. pretty sure my dad said something along the lines of "Well Nat's been throwing back the beers since twelve...I couldn't be prouder."
So yes...Christmas was awesome.
If Dora was a real butch girl explora, she would have brought you a couple of 24 oz. Bud heavies, PBR's, Schlitz Malt Liquor Bulls, or one 40 oz. King Cobra. It's probably that little hispanic twink she runs around with.
ReplyDeleteWow with gifts like mayo dog shit and beer...... how could Christmas not be memorable! Happy holidays from out here in Portland Oregon!
ReplyDeleteHoly fucking fuck, I don't know if your family gives the best or worst gifts ever.
ReplyDeleteThis has to be the most interesting Christmas post I've seen yet. I fucking love it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get beer for Christmas. I am immensely disappointed about this.
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