I got a lot of flak from friends (mainly my mother) in my previous post about the stage five clinger.
“So you’re telling me that you never want to be happy with a man? You’re just going to push everyone away aren’t you?”
No mother (and other friends), obviously if I found a dude who found my wise ass cracks undeniably charming I’d lock that shit down real quick.
HOWEVER…that has not happened yet. So yes. I am going to ignore the stage five clinger that leaves me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period…I wish that was an exaggeration.
And yes, I’m going to be a complete lady douche (the act of, not the product) to majority of men I meet…in hopes to ward off stage five clingers that leave me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period.
Seriously, I’m cool and decently cute (in the right lighting) but I’m not, leave me six text messages and two voicemails in a one-hour period, cool.
It’s not that I don’t want to find my significant other, because eventually sure, my high metabolism will catch up to me and I’ll need to lock down a dude before these love handles get out of control…. Well that, and I know I’ll be way to fucking lazy to take care of 15 cats when I’m older… or myself, for that matter.
I’m just not “Sarahjessicaparking” it all over the city, yah know?
Side note: Sarahjessicaparking is a term I coined to mean, “Ladies who run around NYC drunk and half-starved, trying to find their soul mates, who then in turn write about it in their shitty blogs while laughing at the shitty puns and terms they just made up… and they are probably drinking some sort of cheap liquor, too.”
So technically, yes, at this moment in time I am Sarahjessicaparking the shit out my blog right now. Fuck off.
Any who, I just don’t care about this whole soul-mate searching shindig. I’ve found Hellman’s mayo, Saturday Night Live, Michelob Ultra and youporn.com; I’ll be content for years.
Call me selfish, but have you ever mixed Hellman’s mayo with Heinz ketchup? It’s life changing.
But if someone conveniently drops my soul mate into my lap while making my fancy sauce…then…you know…I’m down.
So until that happens, I’ll probably keep on pushing away all the “acceptable men” in my life… and my mother will keep yelling at me over the phone “He was Jewish and a lawyer?!? God damnit, Natalie. Marry him.”
Ketchup and mayo.....that's called fry sauce. I'm assuming they only sell it in Utah though because when we asked for it in New Mexico they looked at us like we were crazy......is this a myth?
ReplyDeleteAt least you don't have all the too-cutesy puns SATC is so in love with. So your version of Sarahjessicaparking will be forgiven. This time.
ReplyDeleteYou'll find someone who is soul-mate-ish enough when you aren't out sarahjessicaparker-ing for them. And it'll rock. And probably be the best boning you've ever had.
ReplyDeleteKetchup+Mayo is one of the best combos ever. It is on the same level as Wendy's frosty+McDonald's french fries and pizza+ranch.
ReplyDeleteI totally feel you. And you know what, people who go out looking for their soulmates usually wind-up deeply disappointed. They come when you least expect them (I was trying to think of something funny to put here, but i'm at a loss),
ReplyDeleteTell your mother that I found my soul mate by getting smashed and fucking the first guy who asked. And then watch her feel grateful to have you as a daughter.
ReplyDeleteThat guy loves you. Maybe you can convert him to your mayo-loving partner.....or not.
ReplyDeletefuck to the yes. fuck yes. this is gold. i am totally with you. do not fucking settle and rock the shit out of that JJ sauce (the name a friend gave to the mix of ketchup/mayo). actually. no . it was ranch and kethchup. so call it whatever you want. sick post.
ReplyDeleteLOL you're so funny to read, and so on point! I don't think it makes you selfish at all to want to wait it out for the right man. It is better to be alone than in false company they say!
ReplyDeleteand the guy was a total loser, you were right to flee!!!
As a side note, I'd say that since you aren't looking, you'll probably run smack into mr. right sometime soon.
It's the universes way of playing jokes on us ;)
At least your not kimkardashianing it... you know where you pretty much whore for television dollars!
ReplyDeletewe call that fry sauce in utah.. it is HUGE here. glad you could find it too.
ReplyDelete