No, like seriously…they do. I would hate us. I do hate us.
It’s not that we are bad neighbors…we recycle and shit…we are just weird.
So, for those of you that don’t know (or just skim my blog) I’m living in NYC with my best friend Matt. We live in a pre-war building…so we are fucking on top of our neighbors.
The guy right next to us owns five cats…outside his door smells like cat piss…well cat piss and pot…so yeah… we’re that close.
So I think I can safely assume that if I can smell our neighbor’s cat (I pray to god that it’s cat)
piss…then the whole fucking building can hear our “fake” fighting.
Yeah, don’t ask. We legitimately fake fight, for no apparent reason at all.
“YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!”
“WELL IF SHE WASN’T WHORE…I WOULDN’T BE HERE!”
“I’M NOT SURE IF THAT’S SUCH A GOOD THING!”
…and then we laugh…but I don’t think our neighbors hear the laughing...
At this point I don’t even know what to do. All our neighbors are probably assuming that we are in a freakish abusive relationship.
And it’s not like I wanted to be friends with these people…I just don’t want the po po randomly showing up because of an anonymous domestic violence call.
…and I don’t want any random death threat notes left under our door telling us to stop watching so much fucking “Lost”….we (I) watch a lot of “Lost”… whatever, neighbors with terrible taste in television….you keep watching your early morning “Charmed” episodes, with the remnants of cat piss scattered throughout your apartment. You keep doing your thing…and we’ll keep doing ours.
Cause let’s be honest…this is New York, bitches. Things could be much worse.
Rather than fake fighting, do a loud discussion about how fun it is to kill cats.
ReplyDeleteYou should have an entire repertoire of arguements. You know like...your mother a is a bitch, i fucked your best friend, your father groped me, i can't stand you anymore, or all sorts of disgusting and twisted stuff. Each day you try a new one and see what makes your neighbours more uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteLOL! Too funny! The comments are hilarious too! Let us know if you try Hasidic Plumber's suggestion!
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I'd just roll with it and make sex noises after one of your fake fights. Then the next time you see a neighbor, you can do shooting finger guns at them while wiggling your eyebrows.
ReplyDeleteDude, at least you're not running a prostitution ring out of your apartment.
ReplyDeleteWait, maybe that would make you a better neighbor...
I love that you guys fake fight, that sounds like something my husband and I would do.
ReplyDeleteThat him and his they in his palace burn; Following!
ReplyDeleteThough I've lived in my share of pre-war or otherwise decrepit buildings in NYC, I haven't become intimately acquainted with any neighbors (but, moving soon so there's hope for me yet). But, I lived for about 9 months with my bedroom facing what I thought was a completely empty and rundown apartment. I was not that vigilant about closing my curtains. Turns out, that room was DEFINITELY occupied the whole time by a lonely old man. So he probably became intimately acquainted with me.
ReplyDeleteoh man, i wish i were still living in NY. i'd find the fake fighting to be super entertaining! i used to hear a lot of real fighting from my neighbors - and that's not so entertaining. :/
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