Do I look like a prostitute?
No seriously, do I?! Because I got asked to give some dude a blow job while walking through central park…in broad fucking daylight.
My favorite part of this whole situation was I had just come from an interview… I was in a fucking pencil skirt, for Christ’s sake!
His asking price, you ask? Ninety-one dollars.
….you couldn’t scrounge up nine more dollars to make it an even hundred, eh big spender?
And lets not forget that I this occurred in broad daylight…so dude, what exactly was your plan here?
Hide behind some random bush? Unless this begins with dinner and a movie…I don’t really see this going anywhere.
Side note: I’m about to get a frantic call from my mother after she reads this post in in five…four…three…two…
Oh hey mom. Oh yeah? You read my latest post? Don’t worry…it’s New York…weirder shit has happened…remember when I told you about that dude who threw up next to me on the subway before an interview? Shit, I didn’t tell you about that? Well this dude threw up next to me on the subway before an interview. I swear to God something similar happened to Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City…or maybe it was Charlotte…mkay…love you too, mom.
Any who, I totally saw this dude check me out too, before this exchanging of words occurred, and I was all like “Score Natalie…You are looking good today”….in my head.
And then I cussed him out. Homie don’t play that game.
Don’t fuck with this bitch when she is wearing a pencil skirt.
“Maybe it was your hair,” said one of my good friends, Caitlin. “You have really big hair.”
I do have really big hair.
“Or maybe it’s cause you wear eye-liner on your bottom lids…. I read this article that said only prostitues wear eye liner on their bottom lids.”
Duly noted.
“But I had my ray-bans on…”
“Must have been your hair then.”
God damn you, hair, with your luscious curls straight out of an 80’s music video…stop clogging up the fucking bathtub.
I stormed into my apartment repeatedly screaming… “Do I look like a fucking prostitute!?” My roommate, Matt, then proceeds to hug me and in his best Kermit the Frog voice, joke, “Whose my little prostitute?”
And then, Matt, my voice of reason goes, “Oh come on…you know this shit is gold for your blog.”
And so it was, Matthew…so it was.
“Just don’t tell your mom, I said you should have taken the offer to help pay for rent….she’ll hate me forever.”
Duly noted.
91 is a very specific amount of dollars. Maybe he subtracted 9 dollars because he didn't like your Ray Bans?
ReplyDeletegood news everyone
ReplyDeleteI think 91 dollars was all he had. A BJ from you was worth him being broke. Score?
ReplyDeleteMaybe he's a serial killer. Maybe he offered his first hit $100, his second on $99, his third $98, and so on.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe he actually only thought you were worth $79 but figured in a 15% tip.
That's all I've got.
i'm with the other stephanie. new yorkers always remember to tip. he OBVIOUSLY figured the going rate for a quick BJ in the park is $79 and added tip. where he went wrong was telling you he'd pay $91. you NEVER quote a price with tip included.
ReplyDeleteIt actually has nothing to do with you. Creepers flood the NYC streets, especially in parks, and construction sites. This may be the first time but it sure as hell will not be the last. Welcome.
ReplyDeleteYou should have taken the money and ran.
ReplyDeletemy sources tell me the 90 dollar BJ is offensive to ask for..... so congrats on the 91 dollar one. Much classier!
ReplyDeleteI used to live in the Netherlands and I had this problem every single time I went into Amsterdam. As if jeans and a big winter coat is hooker wear. It was always a dumb tourist but it was seriously annoying.
ReplyDeleteHaha. I had to stop wearing my neat little trenchcoat with black boots because everywhere I turned up people would think I was the "entertainment". Nice. Does wonder for the self esteem...
ReplyDeleteMy wife was once solicited by a male prostitute outside our gym. She was like "what the fuck? do I look like a woman who needs to pay for sex?"
ReplyDeleteShe's my hero.
$91? Does that include the tip? (Ha! A little double entendre there.)
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I would have offered at least $127.32. But you'd have to wear something besides a pencil skirt.
now i know we can be pals because i was once told that i "an american whore" was better looking than a "swedish whore". hahaha... sounds like if he had just offered $100 it would have been something to consider. as it is, isn't $91 a prime number?
ReplyDeleteI love prime numbers
I wear HEAVY eyeliner on my bottom lids ALL The time. So I guess I am a whore after all.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it must've been in the air, because my friend Janet was asked the same thing by some guy. Here's the line as we're all walking down the street.
"Hey lil' momma. Suck a nigga dick." <-- That was it. Just that. I'm not sure what he was expecting as a reply but she just looked at him as if he were an alien. What in the world is this world coming to?
As my first intro to your blog, must say this is a very interesting post! ;) Have read a few posts down, def worth coming back.
ReplyDeleteI have never been to New York but I do know if that happened In Australia here I'd be looking around for the hidden camera. I'd check out You Tube if I were you. It could be though, that he mistook you for someone else, like the blow job lady he bid $91 for on ebay who looks just like you. Either that or he may have been one of my countrymen, $91 US being exactly 100 Australian dollars these days.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...
ReplyDeleteMaybe $91 is the dividing line between the type of crime it would be.
I used to work at an office where we used to have to do background checks on clients.
Some of them had misdemeanor prostitution raps and some of them had felony prostitution raps.
Never did look into the difference.
I mean, what do you have to to do to bump it up to a felony?
Maybe your friend was just willing to risk a misdemeanor blow job.
A pencil skirt can make a man do crazy things.
ReplyDeleteLucky he didn't offer $91 AND ice cream.
ReplyDelete