I’m calling it now… I’m totally going to be a home wrecker in the next ten years…. I like dad’s way too much for the average girl.
I don’t know what it is but I find them irresistible, with their permanent five o’clock shadows, and their receding hairlines. And oh dear god if they drink keystone light from the can, screw me now.
The sad thing is, I’m not being sarcastic. I’m attracted to dads, older men, geriatrics one might say. But I shit you not, if any of you try to even touch my father…I will eat your face, whore. My father is a saint, bitches. A saint.
I was walking down the street the other day and I passed a balding 40ish man and smiled to myself and thought, “Hmm, I really don’t have any standards, do I?”
I actually was thinking about having sex with this man. This balding, pot-bellied man. I didn’t even know if he was rich yet.
To explain him accurately he looked like a mix of Jim Gaffigan and Louis C.K., funny men, yes. Hot, attractive, sexually suitable for most women? Aw, hellllllll no.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a gold-digger. And I’m sure as hell not ugly. Cute, some say. Gorgeous others say when they want head.
Have you ever accidently drooled on a guy’s chest before? Awkward right? Yeah, older guys don’t notice that shit. Usually they think they drooled on themselves. If that doesn’t sound like heaven to you, then you are the fucking devil… the devil.
I think I like the stability of older men. They’ve given up. They understand the unspoken rules. And they know not to deviate from said unsaid rules. That being, I want, what I want, when I want it.
Follow those rules and you’ll get laid. Young men don’t get that. Older men do.
Boom…guess who gets laid.
And guess who got the Bob Evans early bird special this afternoon? This girl bitches.
This girl.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
ReplyDeleteI love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially your stalker. Nat seriously this post had me cracking up at the office.
You're the best :)
I'M 39 next month and I completely agree with this. Although when I was turning 30, all younger men were not safe. It was a right of passage to wreck some 20 something guy who thought he was god in bed. :) and teach him a few things. They were so eager to please or just keep up.
ReplyDeleteDo it. Have fun!!!
Your enabling friend, Just saying...
guys tell me i'm gorgeous all the time too...when they want head .bahahahaaha
ReplyDeleteOh..I am so with you on this. I'm 31 now and finally have settled with the best man ever, who just happens to be pushing 40. Why? He's stable, makes me dinner, makes me laugh, and I didn't have to teach him how to give me an orgasm. It's like purchasing a dog that is already house trained AND can go fetch you a beer from the fridge on command. lol
ReplyDeleteNever change darling. I love you.
ReplyDeleteHmm, while I'm not all about the pot bellies, I do have a weakness for the salt and pepper hair. It's definitely sexy! Some older guys have their shit together, but I dated a guy 11 years older than me...who lived with his parents. He.did.NOT.have.it.together. Bleck.
ReplyDeletehahaha. i love this! I am oddly attracted to men nobody else understands as well...I'm redirecting them to this link for the explanation from here on out!
ReplyDeleteNot so much a Big Papa woman, myself. (Though when we lived in Atlanta, I had a TON of sugar daddy offers; I think they liked my ass.) On the other hand, I did spend 45 minutes staring at a mid 40's man last month, but in all fairness he was totally ripped with tattoos and a jet-black ponytail.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me, I need to go change my underpants...
So wait… when I was told I am gorgeous it was probably only because I was about to give head? WTF! Those assholes!
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Good lord I love older guys too, who doesnt?
ReplyDeleteI totally understand,
ReplyDeleteAlec Baldwin and I are going to run away together.
hahaha I like that you wrote boom at the end a moderate pun for baby-boomers hahaha awesome. Newest and truest follower here. You're blog is everything I wish I could say sometimes.
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