…I get that…and quite honestly it’s the world that’s got an issue…not me.
But come on! It is way to hard to jump on that “I want to lead a healthy lifestyle” bandwagon when you can literally buy ice cream/tacos/tiny polish sausages wrapped in torillas and topped of with bacon bits and a dollop of mayo out of a fucking wagon….and for only a buck too! Well…a $1.50 if you order extra mayo.
And I’m sorry, but any bandwagon that can spray nacho cheese directly into my mouth is the only wagon I ever want to be a part of.
Note to self: When rich enough, buy a wagon that can spray nacho cheese directly into my mouth…that or hire a midget with a Easy Cheez spray can glued permanently to their left hand, preferably sharp cheddar…or American…I’m not too picky…well maybe rich Natalie will be picky…we’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
…I’m still too cheap to buy a voice recorder, so I’ve been leaving myself “note to self” notes everywhere…and let me tell you they are fucking hilarious to find weeks later after scribbling them down in my half-sleep stupor.
Any who…back to being unhealthy…I’m so disgustingly gross with the shit I eat that I’m currently working on a cookbook titled, “Cooking for Poor People” –which is pretty much whatever I ate my past four years at college… and now…and probably tomorrow.
Other title options…”Mayo for the Masses”…and “Mayo: Your Favorite White Frenemy”
…I’m a product of my environment, alright...deal with it.
And how I’m not morbidly obese I have no fucking clue.
Actually that’s a lie…I do know why I’m not obese…I don’t eat any fucking carbs!
Instead…I mix honey mustard with a shit ton of mayo and use that as a fancy gourmet dipping sauce for roast beef/turkey/Vienna sausages… while reclining on my Ab-Lounge half naked and watching copious amounts of House Hunters International and ending my day with a tall refreshing glass of peanut butter.
…I can just feel George Washington Carver just beaming as I write this post…it’s like I can here him whispering sweetly into my ear…”That’s why I crushed a shit ton of peanuts…I did it for you, my skinny white princess, I did it for you and your low carb diet.”
And for that Mr. Carver…I will forever be indebted.
I can always tell when my lifestyle drives people crazy too…as I simulatenously shove four hotdogs (without a bun) down my gullet while wearing skinny jeans… just to look up and see a gaggle of skinny white girls just glaring at me…hoping…no begging God that my cholesterol is through the roof…or at the very least I’ll be forced to vomit those hot dogs back up at a later date and time.
But I think everyone should remember…healthy and skinny are not synonymous with one another…and I should not be punished with passive aggressive side glares from other skinny white bitches. Look, I figured out a loophole, which allows me to lose weight, while still eating the most disgustingly awesome foods ever.
And that my friends, is how America was won.
I love carbs. Hence why I'm a fat ass.
ReplyDelete:::Glares at you:::
Also, every time... And I mean every time I eat mayo, I think of you. Creepy? Yes.
So, I'm a bit of a runner, right? At least 5 miles everyday that I can. So people automatically assume that I'm one of those people who's diet includes only tofu, multi grain rice, and celery. Holy fuck, totally not true. I'm the one who gets drunk at home and makes four servings of cheesy garlic bread for myself. Or gets drunk while out and eats two hot dogs, a piece of pizza and several Doughboys. I eat ice cream or some kind of dessert every day and my diet will always include beer. I run like a maniac so that I CAN eat like shit and still fit in to my pants.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm getting at is that what you put in your mouth is your own damn business. (On all accounts...) As long as you still love yourself when you look in the mirror, that's all that fucking matters.
I haven't touched a carb in two weeks and have lost ten pounds....but I've also been filled with the urge to kill anyone and anything that blinks in my dirrection!
ReplyDeleteI will totally buy that cook book! Judging by the fact that i pretty much hate anything that tastes like cardboard (excluding McDonalds) i'd say i'm your target market. Tofu sucks and don't get me started on any of that it looks like meat but it's made of wheatgrass crap!
ReplyDeleteHey, I'm with you. I just got up and had a breakfast of deep fried Mars Bars all washed down with a Peanut butter smoothie...mmmmmm....and I rattle when I walk.
ReplyDeleteI think I have a 'gland problem' whatever the fuck that is...
Seriously, how am I just now finding YOUR blog?
ReplyDeleteGlad we discovered each other today!
I'm not a doctor. For all I know you're on the brink of death. But I can vouch for your MIND, which I assure you is quite healthy!
ReplyDeletemmm, this post made me throw up in my mouth a little. though, i have never been fond of meat or mayonnaise and am probably not a very good american either. but i do like peanut butter.
ReplyDeleteI read this while I was stuffing my face with the most disgustingly massive Chipotle burrito ever. I'm glad someone else can identify with the looks I get from people when I stuff my face in public. I have a very fast metabolism so I eat like a horse and never gain a pound.
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