My parents have been happily married for 33 years…disgusting, I know. Every time they kiss in my presence I want to vomit (and I usually do).
True love is so 90s, yet they seem immune to the social norms of our society…lame.
But what really confuses me is the adverse affect this situation has seemed to have had on my general psyche; my parents 33 years of happy fidelity has produced a “fear of intimacy”, with a smidge of “fear of commitment” and a dab of “narcissim” with just a splash of “gassiness” within my black soul.
I mean, come on, I have a fucking blog…so yes, one can safely assume I am a narcissistic lady douche (with bad gas)… not that I would know or anything.
Any who, this douche (me) has an intimacy problem…and it’s gotten bad.
I can’t even stay in the same bed with a guy I just had sex with anymore. I usually try to kick the guy out right after the deed, but a couple of them caught on and pretended to be “asleep” as I profusely kicked them in the kidneys…those selfish bastards.
I have an issue and I am aware of that. I purposely go out of my way to find men that are emotionally unavailable, because I am one of them….small penis and all.
And for the most part, I don’t have an issue with this issue, unless I’m going through a dry spell, then I get pissed I don’t have a guy who is legally forced to have sex with me based soley on the fact that he is my boyfriend.
Most women are more emotional about sex than I am too, supposedly they even have a different word for it… they call it, love-making or even worse…cuddling.
And let me be frank, but the thought of cuddling makes me gassy. The act of cuddling makes me gassy. Skittles after this so called “love-making” makes me gassy. So me kicking a dude out of my bed after sex, isn’t necessarily an intimacy issue it’s more of a “get the fuck out of my bed, or I’ma cut you and then fart into your flesh wound” issue.
…Whatever, it’s my fucking bed…house rules.
Nat... Last paragraph has major grammar? issues. Correct immediately. I love you :)
ReplyDeleteAlso... I love cuddling. And if you kick me out of your bed it's over between us!
Hehehe. You make me laugh. :-D I find it perplexing that so many associate sex with love. While I am in a relationship (and I do cuddle) I've just never been the kind of girl that feels like I can only sleep with someone if I love them. It makes my head list slightly to one side and my eyes glaze over when others ramble about it.
ReplyDeleteFart in your flesh wound? That is fucking awesome.
ReplyDeleteShitty about your intimacy issues - it does have its time and place.
I want this on a t-shirt: True love is so 90s.
You should read some Chelsea Handler she makes having men views on sex sound super cool, making me fell better about myself.
ReplyDeleteI will tell you, this may sound dumb, but one day there shall come a man who you want to stay in your bed. Yup, I believe that. Till then, I find getting dressed immediately after sex and standing staring down at the male human in your bed until they become uncomfortable, works wonders
You're not the only person who is that way, so you shouldn't feel weird about it. I know I went through a spell with emotional detachment and I was okay with it. And I agree with Penny Lane ^
ReplyDeleteHahaha. I love the things that come out of your brain.
ReplyDeleteI usually want the man to stay in my bed and then possibly make me breakfast the next morning, but I'm old school. :P
Are you a doppleganger...possibly mine?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I caught a bottom burp in a flesh wound once...damn it hurt...
ReplyDeleteAs long as they know that this is the price of admission I'm not sure why there's a problem. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're most men's wet dream. (Or maybe just mine. I forget.)
ReplyDeleteSweet baby Jesus I think you and I are the same person.
ReplyDeleteBased on some of the comments I skimmed and my own personal view, it seems like you are definitely not alone in the way you feel (gas and all haha). When I was younger I always thought I'd be a cuddler, but now that I'm older and had the oh so joyous experience of cuddling with a guy, I'd say it's overrated. Once he falls asleep, you can't move because you'll wake him up, it gets sweaty, and uncomfortable, and of course, the gas comes and then you're just fucked. You're right - once the fun is over, I think it's time for them to hit the road!
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us have this problem, me included unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteFart in your flesh wound wow that's a new one. If it makes you feel better a guy who volunteered to be my friend with benefits ended up doing all he could to not have sex with me. Or should I say he had an emergency then forgot now he has a lot of personal issues so he just cant. I hate men and I still wanna fuck him ugh !!!
ReplyDeleteDamn girl, you better not kick Annah out if you sleep with her. ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry guy brain, couldn't resist.
M
One day you'll cuddle and you'll see what it's all about.
ReplyDelete