So a couple of people have been telling me that I sound just a tad bit angrier in my posts lately.
Well to you…I say this…
How would you feel if the only thing you ever….EVER… loved was suddenly taken away from you?
That the one thing that opened your eyes to a whole new world…to a whole different way of life was just so selfishly snatched away from you by some dude who “supposedly” died for your sins?!
First off…what fucking sins?! And B…I’m fucking perfect God…do you hear me?! Perfect.
… give me my fucking mayo back.
That being said…this mustard on sandwiches deal is horseshit.
Mustard sucks.
It fucking sucks…it’s all yellow and arrogant and shit…it’s all like… “Hey look at me…my names mustard and I’m so cool…and yellow…and my shit don’t stink…and fancy (if you’re going the Dijon route)… everybody just looooooooooooooooves me.”
Everybody loves you not, mustard. Everybody loves you not.
The fact that the legal pad I’m writing this post on is yellow and is evoking so many levels of hate and disdain, should prove that fact alone.
Not even a 3 hour picture marathon of weimaraner puppies would make this lady (me) happy right now.
So…yeah…a mayo less lifestyle is causing my blood pressure to rise to insurmountable levels.
And yes…my tolerance for stupidity/ignorance/grade F meat seems to be slim to nonexistent.
But on a lighter note…I have noticed this insatiable need to buy some shrubbery…green shrubbery.
I want nothing yellow in my life ever again.
Because I’m pretty sure that the devil's dick is actually in fact yellow.
...and spicy.
Personally, I like mustard. But as someone who is currently giving up MY drug of choice (caffeine) I can empathize with the anger.
ReplyDeleteI hate mustard.
ReplyDeleteAnd if someone ever was to take my Ketchup.. *gulp* away from me..
There will be dead people. Heads away from the bodies and hands hanging on the walls.
I. Swear.
Bitchzilla on The loose.
Tricia... COFFEE!? Jesus... (Yes I blasphemed - sp?) talk about going overboard. Paige, there is a reason I didn't vote on you giving up Mayo... Never give up anything you love unless it is killing you. ESPECIALLY for religion. Insanity...
ReplyDeleteSpicy mustard isn't snobby. It's kind, and warm, and compassionate, and it's there for you when that arrogant mayo, with it's rich and creamy texture, has turned it's back on you.
ReplyDeleteVive la moutarde.
You should get a whiff of the noxious fumes that get pumped out of the French's Mustard plant too. That's some pretty fresh air there! ;-)
ReplyDeleteI quite like Mustard, but people put it on way to many things. I think that your anger is understandable. Harness it and go kick something.
ReplyDeleteI'm generally a fan of most spreadable condiments (obvious reasons) though I have to say neither ketchup nor mayo holds particular appeal.
ReplyDeleteHPs borwn sauce, though (an English tradition)...DIVINE.
I sympathise with the giving up of beloved food items, though. I bid a fond farewell to brie cheese a few weeks back and can actually feel it calling to me, even as I type this.
((le sigh))
- B x
ugh - i'm so with you. lent really is the five stages of grief writ large. in the beginning, there's denial: "i'm totally fine. i don't need red meat [or in your case, mayo]."
ReplyDeletenext, which is where we both are, is anger. any individual that symbolizes what we're giving up is subject to projected resentment and jealousy. i hate people who can eat steak without guilt right now.
next comes bargaining. i'm scared to see where that takes me. after that, it's depression, and finally acceptance.
13 days down. we can do this.
I love you angry. Wait, no. I love you in any way. Dripping with mayo or mustard. Hahhaaha.
ReplyDeleteI like mustard more than mayo, *especially* dijon or grey poupon. Say whaaaa? Hmmm delicious.
Hatah!
ReplyDeleteDude, mustard is the sandwich bomb,yo.
The devil's dick is tasty! I can't believe you gave up mayo, that's pretty surprising! I'm sorry you're not enjoying mustard because I love it.
ReplyDeleteI gave up all alcohol, and after the two weeks I have had, I want nothing more than to have a cold beer, or to push someone in front of an oncoming bus. Or bludgeon them with a golf club, or an overly obnoxious sex toy, because well, I would laugh, and then remember that I am not having a cold beer.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, a roast beef sandwich with blue cheese dressing is a nice condiment. Or, roast beef with butter and salt (oh yeah, can you hear your heart literally stopping at the thought of that?)
Perhaps Mayo has no reasonable substitute...but what if we try to brainstorm some other condiments with similar texture, color, or purpose?mmkay...
ReplyDelete- Cool whip? That seems like it would be fun to eat by the spoonful!
- Greek Yogurt? Maybe add a little something to it...like adding curry and smoked chili powder, it could make a kick ass chicken salad or dollop onto a turkey burger!
- Cream Cheese? I defy you to spread cream cheese on your BLT and NOT.FALL.IN.LOVE! It is impossible. If can't be done. You will find yourself in a steam, open relationship with MAYO, and Cream Cheese will be your mistress.
That is all.
Oh, Lent.
ReplyDeleteI gave that shit up long ago. Look, it's not my fault Jesus died on the cross. If I was around, I would have told the dude to get the FUCK out of there and take a month's vacation to Mexico.
HEY! Don't bash mustard! The Fuck?!?!
ReplyDeleteIt's the ONLY exceptable condiment for Hot Dogs!
If Satan's Dick is mustard yellow, the your precious Mayo is his jizz.
You know, if you throw garlic in it then it's no longer mayo, it's an aioli. Which I'm pretty sure you didn't give up for Lent. Just saying...
ReplyDeleteI looooooove mustard. Sorry. I actually think mayo is one of the most disgusting "foods" on the planet. Again, sorry. I just realized I'm probably not helping your anger any...
ReplyDeleteYou just need to get over this hump. Once the withdrawals are gone you'll be all set. Maybe...
This is fricken hilarious! :) Funniest thing I read all week.
ReplyDeleteI myself am a mustard fan, but I feel your pain. I see a beverage, any beverage, and my mind turns it into a steaming cup of coffee. How many more damn days are left?
ReplyDeleteRemember that yellow guy from Sin City. That dude is going to haunt your fucking nightmares.
ReplyDelete