In all honesty…I feel like I owe you guys an apology. I haven’t quite exactly been bringing my A game this blog, so to speak.
I’ve sucked…if you catch my drift. And yes, I know you laugh…but is it out of love? Or out of obligation?
…cause if you don’t laugh…I’ll cut you. …I’ll cut you with the same knife I cut my mayo-drenched sandwiches with…now laugh bitches…laugh.
I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I do all the same rituals…currently I’m half-naked, partially distracted by my boobs (they look sad from this angle….) just consumed a half gallon of mayo (on a sandwich…not by itself…freaks…okay maybe some of it was by itself…whatever, it’s not that weird.), there is a beer in my mouth (Michelob Ultra, mother fuckers) and yet, the magic is just not happening…
And it’s just not fair to you guys. You come back week after week…and for what? Some cheap mayo jokes…some light tom foolery?
Nay, I say! Nay!
You deserve more…you’re better than that. Even, my own mother said the last post sucked…talk about a reality check.
So it’s time for me to get serious…and no, that does not mean I’m getting rid of the mayo jokes…those bitches are staying forever… deal with it...mother.
It’s time to get into blind focus mode (which I must also point out, at this very moment my beer bottle is resting perfectly in between my boobies as I type this… now that’s pure talent right there).
But in all seriousness…I really am serious.
No more of this fucking around, my attention is all yours…I’ve deleted numbers out of my phone…believe me I can spend hours just randomly texting people who feel obligated to respond…it’s a beautiful system really.
…I’ve deactivating my facebook…okay…I’ve sorta deactivated my facebook…they just make it too fucking easy to get back on…god damn you Zuckerberg…god damn you.
I want to focus on you…more specifically I want to focus on you laughing at my embarrassing/awkward/sexually weird antics.
NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!
…that being said…my A game is officially broughted…now laugh bitches…laugh.
Sometimes people just aren't in the mood...to blog. Perhaps you have a headache?
ReplyDeletehahaha i think you are great but then again i just started reading so i think im still in the honeymoon phase of your blog. you say what im thinking its crazy sorry that dosent sound weird dose it hahaha anyway keep writting and i will keep reading (cause i have no better way to waste time at work hahaha)
ReplyDeleteWe do love you, we really do.
ReplyDeleteI come here for the mayo jokes, I can't quite get those anywhere else.
Look forward to seeing what your diabolical mind comes up with. To be honest though, I'm perfectly content to listen to you talk about your boobs.
ReplyDeleteDuring the "my boobs look sad" part I laughed so hard hot coffee came out of my nose.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I couldn't stop laughing, mostly because of the beer IN the boobs.
Genius.
For the beer bottle trick - pics or it didn't happen :P
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think you'll get your groove back soon enough and I always laugh at your posts, though not from the threat of being cut with a mayo-dripping unsanitary utensil. I look forward to the hilarious shit that you are to post up for your readers
Meh..sometimes people get distracted with that thing called....er...oh yeah..Reality. Get busy doing all that lame life stuff.
ReplyDeleteUmm...hellloooo? Even when you think you are having on "off" week, you are still hilarious!
ReplyDeleteBut I know what you are saying... I feel like the winter doldurms have frozen my very important brain cells. My posts have been lackluster this week. I actually resorted to making fun of my grandmother today.
"Hell, party of 1!"
When it comes to blog posts, I think there is ALWAYS the quesiotn of quality vs. quantity.
ReplyDeleteI mean, if it's been a week and a half since my last post, is it more important that I post SOMETHING, or could I wait until, you know, I have something worth saying?
Odly enough, what i generally find is that if I just post SOMETHING, it gets me back into my writing groove.
I think it might be because if I post something that sucks, the rpessure is on not to have it be the top-of-the-page, latest entry for very long.
Worse comes to worse, I am forced to go do something stupid on purpose in order to have spomething to write about.
Now if you will wexcuse me, I'm gonna go accidentally lock myself out of the house half-dressed. That's going to be one great blog entry!
I got lost in the dizzying array of mayo soaked boobies in my mind. So, my answer is yes to whatever you asked.
ReplyDeleteOh honey you are as perfect as ever. I love this blog. And you, naturally. And your mayo jokes and Michelob Ultra and whorish ways and sad boobies. The whole package, I promise.
ReplyDelete