I have a very bad habit of “shitting where I eat.” If you are unfamiliar with this term, it pretty much means, don’t fuck someone you work with, or someone you have class with, or pretty much anyone you don’t want be stuck in an enclosed area for more than 13 minutes with after screwing.
Yeah. I have an issue with that. Especially with dumb guys.
The aftermath of sex, enclosed spaces and dumb guys is like a witch’s brew of death just stirring awkwardly around.
“So what if he just told you Africa is a country located in Europe,” you tell your drunken self aloud. “He’s hot.”
Not really.
“Who cares if he looks constipated when you use words with more than three syllables, as long as that isn’t is “O” face.”
It was.
“And who cares if you’ll see him tomorrow sober, he’s stupid so sex is probably the one thing he’s good at.“
It wasn’t.
You don’t really see the physical repercussions of “shitting where you eat” until weeks later. It’s like a bomb implanted in the back of your head that explodes at the sight of that stupid guy killing a fly.
With his bare hands.
In an apron.
Then your mind flashes back to that night and you suddenly realize that the expression he made while killing the fly is the same exact expression he had while you two were, for a lack of better words, doing it.
Boom.
It’s all fun and games until someone whispers, “That was inside of you.”
He’s proud of his manliness as he waves the dead bug in your face and while it would have been cute if it had been a dog or better yet a big fluffy bear wagging its paws in front of your face.
But no. It was an adult; a grown man. Whose greatest accomplishment in life was killing a fly.
Well done, whore. Well done.
*Shudders* There's nothing - NOTHING - as frightening as realizing that you just slept with a complete and utter moron.
ReplyDeleteWe've all been there, sweetie.~
ReplyDeleteOh yeah been there done that a few times myself! That's mainly what college is all about, le sigh.
ReplyDeleteoh wow. It's true though, we've all been there. The walk of shame doesn't just include that next morning...it's looking at the guy every week and going "And I was thinking what!? Ughh!" Hey...hopefully the sex was good cause if not...well it'd suck to bone a man/child and not have it at least be good.
ReplyDeleteNattttttttie
ReplyDeleteThis post was superb. Ay Miss Thing you entertain me through and through. And stop calling yourself a whore. You're just, open-minded ;)
Lol, yup been there. One of my friends has 3 rules: never date a co-worker, never date a neighbor and never date the close relative of a good friend. Did a co-worker who also happened to be my buddies sister. Took her virginity in fact, then she went crazy saying she loved me after a week. Good times. She quit and her brother still won't talk to me like 3 yrs later. Took all that to start listening to his fruity little rules. And now my neighbor is really cute so maybe I'll.... forget that 2nd rule...
ReplyDeleteyep. thankfully, in my chosen profession, that sort of thing can get you disbarred, so there's a strong inclination to avoid it.
ReplyDeleteI always thought don't shit where you eat was more of a don't bit the hand that feeds you kind of thing. Or just literally not to take a dump on your dinner table.
ReplyDeleteEither way, probably best not to give anyone the hot lunch.
sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do
ReplyDeleteYou said you liked my bug.
ReplyDeleteI may not be the sharpest tool in the whatchacallit but I have feelings you know.
Blame it on the alcohol...claim you don't remember a thing.
ReplyDeleteLove it! Over New Years, I slept with a guy so similar to the guy you described. He was an utter moron and I couldn't believe it... And, to top things off he had the smallest penis in the world. Awkwarrrrd.
ReplyDeleteLMAO!! You know you can puke on him if you want. Tell him it was nothing personal. That's what he gets for waving dead bugs in your face the dip shit. You're probably the best thing he ever had. I'm with Jen, blame the booze.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and commenting on my post!
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ReplyDelete