1. Diet Coke
....how can a chemically enhanced substance that doesn't include liquor cause cancer...what the fucking fuck, America. What the fucking fuck?!
2. Light Hellman's mayo
Stop being a little bitch and eat the real shit...also, I'm legally obligated to admit that I'm not exactly sure it if does or not...but I'm just going to go ahead and assume so...that being said, light mayo is for losers...and devil worshipers.
3. Porn
...now I know what your thinking...'Natalie, porn doesn't cause cancer, you so crazy.' Am I though, am I? Just think about how close your man-junk/lady parts/he-she thingies are to that cancer thriving electronic machine...I just prematurely blew your mind didn't I...and your load.
....also, Jesus, let's talk. We are all going to die...so why not watch other people doing it, in weird positions that my body will never allow for a couple hours a day until then? What's wrong with that?
4. Pollution
...god damnit, I love you so much, too. No. Seriously. I love it.
....also...I felt like a total douche google imaging, "funny pollution." Seriously, I'm going to hell.
5. Strategically timed black jokes
...how does every good black joke start? By looking over your shoulder...whatever... you're all going to hell with me, people that pretended to stifle a laugh in front of their computers.
6."The Secret Life of the American Teenager"
....okay this doesn't cause cancer...but that show needs to fucking die.
7. Spray Cheese
...look we all have our vices...you like cocaine...I like spraying copious amounts of pasteurized cheese into my mouth. Deal with it.
8. KFC Double Down
...I think we all need to learn the phrase..."Fuck sliced bread."
9. Turn Signals
...oh wait...they don't cause cancer....use your fucking turn signals Maryland drivers. USE YOUR FUCKING TURN SIGNALS!
10. Taco Bell
...I will always love you, Taco Bell...always.
I think Speidi causes cancer too!
ReplyDeletePorn hasn't caused me cancer, yet.
ReplyDeleteIt has, though, caused me a shit ton of callouses and a fortune spent on hand lotion.
Close enough.
Nice post haha, use the turn signal!
ReplyDeleteI don’t want to make assumptions about what it is you love, but you forgot ORAL SEX.
ReplyDeleteThe HPV virus – which causes cervical cancer in teenage girls – can be transferred during oral sex and is now surpassing tobacco as the leading cause of throat cancer.
So there’s that.
Oh my Katydid you just blew my mind with that little fun fact. Where did you get that from a snapple cap?
ReplyDeleteLoved the porn one and the black jokes, hilarious girl!
Speidi IS a cancer.
ReplyDeletePorn causes cancer? Well I guess I am past the point of getting chemo.
ReplyDeleteThis post had me laughing out loud.
ReplyDeletebtw - noticed you call out shitty Maryland drivers. Do you live in Maryland?! We might have to meet up at some point - it's bound to be awkward.
I love synthetic, manufactured foods with no calories so much...so much!
ReplyDelete- Splenda
- Spray Butter
- Coke Zero
That shit for sure causes cancer...and so does laying out with tanning oil, but you won't catch me quitting either!
No, the secret life of an American teenager, does not in fact cause cancer but i do think that it might cause brain damage. Or rather if you like that show, or find it interesting you have some pre-disposition to brain damage.
ReplyDeleteYou just crazy... But we like it.
ReplyDeleteLiving causes cancer, but I was pissed when I heard about the Coca-Cola thing. Great, I'll guess I will switch to sprite.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great list of carcinogens! Although I part ways with you on Taco Bell. Fuck that 40% beef crap!
ReplyDeleteHahah! I loved this. Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI can't even believe they made that double down sandwich at KFC. It scared me and I never tried it, but had a friend that swore by it for lunch every day. That friend was a skinny Asian man, go figure.
ReplyDeleteEducative post. Great to know this as a matter of fact I share it with my friends and they love it too.
ReplyDeleteThank you,
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ReplyDelete