I need to start doing stand-up, but I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not not scared shitless…
…also…I’ve been drinking (God damn you, Mr. Michelob Ultra, you sexy sexy man you) so this post may turn into a train wreck. But aren’t those the best wrecks to watch?
Any who…let’s get back to me being scared shitless…now I know…I know you think I’m infallible…and perfect… and let’s be completely honest…I am.
But I’m pretty sure, even Jesus would suck at stand-up…that cloth robe thingy he constantly wears? Talk about a heckler’s dream.
And that beard? Already perfected by Galifinakas.
Now I know I’m going to suck. That’s inevitable. Everyone has to suck at first. Right?
Right?!?!
And what’s my stage persona going to be? A bitch? No. no. no. That shits been done. I don’t want to be just another bitch. I want to be a jackass. How many jackass girls have you seen do stand-up? Exactly.
But I’m too cute to be a perceived as a jackass at first glance.
“Oh no…she’s pretty…she’s just going make jokes about having HPV…”
“Or accidently vomiting on herself at parties…”
It’s so much easier being funnier on paper (for me at least)…and unless I’m constantly vomiting on stage…I’m not quite sure what people are going to laugh at exactly.
At first I was just going to use my blog posts as materials, but my friends shut down that idea real quick.
“I would advise you not to do…that.”
“Wait…why not?”
“You talk about mayo……….a lot.”
“Your point being…”
“….”
“God damnit.”
I was totally going to talk about mayo the whole time.
Meat. Mayo. Porn. Honestly, those were going to be my staples of my act. Or maybe I should talk about being fat for what…17 years?
Or maybe I should get fat again and make that my act?!?
No.
Adult braces?
No.
Spray-can icing?
Yes…..?
Taco Bell? Oh…yeah….taccccccoooooo belllllllll. That’s a gold mine, mother fuckers. GOLD!
Oh. Dear. God. Help. Me.
Politics?
I’m not that smart.
Catholism?
If I do…the devil will eat my soul…
As you can see, I’m a very deep person, especially when my days only consist of mini-donuts and bean and cheese burritos….
…however, I do, do a good impression of my mother. It helps that I look and sound exactly like her, but whatever…fuck you. I still do a better impression that you do.
Hmmm.
…well I’m pretty fucked…and I haven’t even begun yet….this is not good.
Oh shit would so rock that shit! When you get it done, youtube that shit so I can watch!...I'll kill anyone that boo's you sucka!
ReplyDeleteGo for it.
ReplyDeleteI have been wanting to do stand up for years, but I am far too shy to get up on stage and actually do it.
My friends all say I should because they say I am an excellent story teller and that I am also funny.
1. I don't believe my friends.
2. I am too shy to do it.
Please do it. I love you.
ReplyDeleteOh wait! Why... Don't you do a standup routine in your bathroom while drinking Michelob Ultra and eating mayo sandwiches and post it here?!?! We can be like your little guinea pigs. Yeah yeah yeah.
How about a Tourette's persona....
ReplyDeleteYou go on-stage as the really sweet, kind of charming girl who tells cute stories that eventually lead into something extremely dirty and depraved, all while maintaining the sweet, charming personality. =)
i'd like to say something like 'naaww, you go girl, you neva gona suck..!' but everyone does suck the first time, you're right as always, its your own fault...!
ReplyDeleteand dont resist the mayo, embrace it! it runs through your veins!!...
Oh Paige, you will be fine. You should do a mock trial stand-up for your fellow bloggers via YouTube. I'm kinda scared for you, but a few drinks and you will forget about being scared in the first place.
ReplyDeleteThat would be pretty sweet to see you someday on Comedy Central. I actually thought about being a stand-up comedian for awhile and researched it quite a bit. Stopped just short of writing good material cuz my car died in a fire(seriously) and walking to the closest stand up bar is out of the question. I know you're not looking for advice exactly, but read "Comedy Writing Secrets" by Mel Helitzer with mark Shatz. It's not really for material more for structure of a comedy act. (and I found it for free online, google it)
ReplyDeleteAlso look into story telling and watch a lot of standup. Take notes on what all of them do. Like that thing were they refer back to a joke they told earlier. That's a story telling trick that makes people feel like old friends rather than having known you only 30mins. It's also a trick to help people like you, like picking up a girl, hitting on your boss, or trying to "negotiate" for a passing grade. Trust me, it's readily applicable.
aw shucks guys...i knew i could count on you all to boost my ego. and im really liking the this mayo youtube beer idea, annah. oh and ninja mike all i do is watch stand-up, that shits like porn to me and im googling that book as i type and you should still do standup too.
ReplyDeleteFire it up...you can do it! Don't fear the heckler, just have a couple ready zingers to shut them down.
ReplyDeleteGod, please find a way to record/post your performance. I can't wait to see it!
ReplyDeleteHaving the nerves to do it is half the battle. Just don't eat before you go on stage.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hulu.com/watch/40910/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-stand-up-throw-up
is it wrong that I'm totally focusing on the bean and cheese burrito??
ReplyDeleteyou should do a show and have those served with a lot of beer...oh and mayo.
I would listen to you talk about meat and mayo for a few hours. What kinds of jackass things would you be willing to do on stage?
ReplyDeleteI did stand-up once. Once.
ReplyDeleteIt's awesome that you're giving stand up a shot. You seem to be a pretty naturally funny person, just remember to relax. It's just a room full of random people don't work yourself up. If you freeze up just think about penis envy. You're bits about that always crack me up.
ReplyDeleteYou'd be great. Ever since I found out that you wanted to be a stand-up comedian, I've always read your stuff imagining it being delivered in front of a crowd. And let me tell you - you got the goods.
ReplyDeleteOne of my personal goals is to go to one of my school's open-mic nights sometime over the next year and a half, and you doing what you do best will only make me want to do it more.
God that turned sappy. Bottom line - you're funny as shit, you'll be awesome.
Just go to an Open-Mic and have two beers before you go up. Don't have MORE than two... believe me.
ReplyDeleteIt's really not all that scary, and the high you get once you get your first big laugh is INSANE.
I think you would be awesome at it. Its a tough thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI could never do it.
And
definately not get up in front of a bunch of strangers.
Good luck
Your blog is hilarious - would love to see your stand up routine. Best of luck with it! Unlike KittyCat above, I'd find a group of strangers easier to perform in front of.
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