I could never find my mother the perfect Hallmark card for Mother’s Day. Believe me I tried. But none of them captured the essence of my mom. Yeah sure there was the:
“I love you mom, you’re the bomb!”
And the never fail:
“You’re beautiful inside and out, let’s go fishing for some trout!”
But never:
“You’re racist and an ex-druggie, now let’s go shopping and scream profanities at assholes who can’t drive!”
Not even,
“Remember that one time you asked if I bought you and dad porn for your 31st anniversary? Next time I promise!”
Come on Hallmark! What the fuck? Whose the one mom you are writing all these God damn cards for? My mom was never the cookie-cutter type, Hallmark. Time to expand your rhyming schemes.
Why can’t you write a card about the lies our mothers tell:
“I have the two most beautiful children ever.”
“Really? Cause I’m fat and Nathan’s ugly.”
“Go watch The Simpsons.”
With my father an officer in the Army, often spending months overseas, I became very dependant on my mother. We’d go everywhere together, hand in hand; unless I was being a little demon, which, not going to lie, was often.
“Remember, when we are in the grocery store, call me Sharon. Not mom.”
“But Sharon!”
Sharon has always been there for my brother and I. Even willing to die for us. One time when I was seven there was a chillingly scary noise outside of our front door. Dad was in Bosnia. Nathan and I crept out of our rooms to find my mom clutching a rifle, ready to shoot, in one of my dad’s oversized shirts and no pants.
“Stay in your room.”
It was the most beautiful display of white-trashness, I had ever seen.
She’s beautiful, hilarious and classy. She’s not a Jackie O. She’s a Gilda Radner. Free and beautiful; without that whole bulimia thing. A Madonna gap between her two front teeth which as she likes to say:
“You’re father finds it sexy. Don’t you, my big man.”
Discretion is always key with her.
“You probably shouldn’t give head until your married,” she said nonchalantly one summer day by the pool.
“You’re generation is too fixated on oral. Just have sex.”
I was 14.
Her only two rules for my brother and I have been: 1. Don’t lie. And: 2. Don’t drink and drive. Sadly, I have broken both, too many times than I am willing to admit. And every time she discovered the “slightly bent truth” the sparkle would leave her piercing green eyes, but just for a second. And every time I would beat myself up. How could I have no soul? How could I lie to the person who has been so truthful to me (with the exception of my childhood weight)? How could I hurt my best friend.
But like any great mom, she has always forgiven and always continued the previous conversation before our epic screaming battles.
“Now if you do do ‘shrooms. Do not do them in the woods. You will think there are bugs crawling all over you.”
“I love you, mom.”
Maybe you should start a line of realistic cards which are honest and don't lie. I bet you could make a fortune doing it, well at least for a while until Hallmark catches on.
ReplyDeleteI AM IN LOVE WITH THIS POST!!!
ReplyDeleteThis upcoming Mother's Day, in fact, I will have to seek out a card in Hallmark that says:
Dear Mom,
Please enjoy this card, as well as the vibrator you asked me to purchase for you. You asked for the kind with clitoris stimulation, and being the wonderful daughter I am, I purchased exactly that for you. Thanks for everything you do.
That is awesome Paige. Btw..you should totally make your own cards I would buy them for my dysfunctional family. DO IT!
ReplyDeleteI second that- make your own cards! I would like to make my mom a card that says "I love you so much that I will probably let you live with me when you are old, like Dorothy and Sophia."
ReplyDeleteThis has made me sad that my mother never bestowed such wisdom upon me. In other news, my mom is pretty much the only person I can lie to.
ReplyDeleteLorraine
Way cool mom. And I agree: your generation IS too focused on oral. That damn Bill Clinton.
ReplyDeletestrangely heartwarming.
ReplyDeleteLove it! :) Your mom sounds completely the opposite of mom. Moms are awesome. KISSES.
ReplyDeleteI would give anything to be able to tell my mom that I love her one more time. Give your mom a high five for me. : )
ReplyDeleteGreat advice from your mom!! I wish my mom had told me not to do mushrooms in wilderness, that could have saved me a whole lot of trouble! I also loved this: “You’re generation is too fixated on oral. Just have sex.”hahahaha
ReplyDeleteCan you ask your mom to write a guest blog post??
awww now I need to go call my mom
ReplyDeleteThat shrooms advice is completely legit.
ReplyDeleteMy mother has spent her lifetime lying to me - it has gotten to the point that she will lie about the most innocuous thing. How refreshing it must be to have an honest mother - how awkward that must get...
ReplyDeletemy mom has no inhibitions. none. she just lets me hear it all. and i am not even here daughter. I AM HER SON. gay or not, no son wants to hear about that shit. actually, especially gay sons dont want to
ReplyDeleteWait a minute, shit, did I fucking miss Mother's Day again?
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! Your mom sounds great! And I totally second the card-making scheme!
ReplyDeleteif you create cards that say things that are non traditional i would love you foreverrr.
ReplyDeletesomething like:
mom i share every horny detail with you and i told you i lost my virginity and blow my husband because i love you.
happy birthday!
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ReplyDelete