I once knew a man with a penis;
That wasn’t quite smooth from side to side.
Try as I might;
I couldn’t help but be freaked out by the sight,
By a penis that zig-zagged all throughout the night.
Creepy right? But it’s true… this guy I had “relations” with had a “zig-zaggy” penis. It made absolutely no sense. We’ve all heard of the chode…and the infamous curved penis or as I like to call Mr. Curved curvy McCurvster… but zig-zagged? A penis that not only zigged…but zagged?
This did not please me. Or should it please anyone (male or female).
I have to admit, one of the good things about being a girl, is every girl’s lady junk pretty much looks the same (for the most part). Well…until you have babies…and then it’s just icky.
But boys, if you have a weird penis…people are going to know… and soon.
It’s the first thing we talk about really. When I say, “what was it like?” It means penis. At least among my friends.
When I first encountered Mr. Zig-Zag I didn’t know how to explain it.
“So what was it like?”
“Um…his penis was jagged…”
“What, were there shards of glass on it?”
“…maybe?”
Words made no sense. I had to draw it. My friends hovered around me for hours as I attempted to draw this infamous…member. It soon became a terrible name game of Pictionary.
“Is it a Christmas tree?!”
“No.”
“Wait! Wait! Wait! It’s a lightening bolt, isn’t it!?”
“No.”
“Charlie Brown?”
“God damnit….no.”
In the end, the best way to describe Mr. Zig-zag, was that well, the penis did in fact zig and then zagged. Picture three square boxes stacked on top of each other and then someone accidently pushed them off kilter, but was too lazy to straighten the boxes back to their normal position.
…and that’s how anatomy was explained to me in Catholic school.
But hey, let’s give Jesus a break, he has to make a lot of dicks everyday… not every man’s boinking-membobber can be perfect.
Am I right ladies? Am I right?
I think I am….gentleman.
lol, creepy. Is it weird that I kinda want to see a picture. You should've gotten one just so people would believe you.... Or could see for themselves.
ReplyDeleteWhat Would Ninja Do
Wow thats crazy! But it is so true... Penises come in all sapes and sizes. Luckily I have never come across a zig zagged penis. That must have been some uncomfortable sex
ReplyDeletethats insane! Penis's are ugly.
ReplyDeleteYeah, fuck dicks. But, vaginas do not all look a like, some are quite scary. They fall in to 3 classes: a zip lock baggy, a budding flower, and a busted ravioli. The imagery is terrible, but you get the point, it can be a shit show for men as well. That being said, I'm pretty sure I have a fairly beautiful penis, if anybody wants to see it, just let me know.
ReplyDeleteAs a former Catholic Schooler myself, I can dig it.
Hence one of the reasons why I'm so afraid of sex. Not cause of the guys but their penis. I know every penis is different...It's just...I can't explain it.
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This post made me laugh because its implied that although you didn't like it and were struck by it, you still 2 seconds later, said, "okay insert, please!" So apparently it couldn't have been that horrifying! Do you sign a contract or something saying, I'll let you in no matter what past a certain point in time?
ReplyDeleteOh no, someone called me McCurvy once too! I thought they were joking!
I wrote a parody to your "I'm having sex today with who I dunno" post about the war in aghanistan, it came out so darn good. Like mac and cheese.
Was it broken at some point? Weird... And painful?
ReplyDeletelmfao THAT'S JUST NASTY! I've seen an ALABAMA HOOK before... but not a zig-zag cock!! How would you suck on something like that? I can't even imagine letting something like that near my pantie line!
ReplyDeleteDamn, was he jacking off with both hands or what?
First off, why aren't you sharing your picture here?? Huh??
ReplyDeleteSecond off- how would he put a condom on? I think you need to make good friends with this guy and bring photographic proof. ;)
Wow....that's awful! So glad i'm smooth...
ReplyDeleteum...i've NEVER seen a ZIGZAG! sounds terrible like you described it. BUT women are not all the same down there. i've been informed by guys that they like to compare notes and talk about the different sizes, the "lips," the color.... so we are being judged too! that's why you can get plastic surgery on your vag these days. and YES, once you have a baby, it's all over. ALL OVER. i've not since looked down there because ignorance is bliss. i don't know what it'll take for me to look again.
ReplyDeleteFascinating. I've had the curved (in all directions) but never the zigzag. This makes me want to find one. And take pictures. Like people do with Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster.
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ReplyDeleteA zig-zag is just too much work. But, it is still better than the square peg or pencil. I think.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please post your drawing.
Zig...
ReplyDeleteZag...
Penis...
It's like I have an ice cream headache in my brain.
I'm intrigued. This seems like something I'd like to explore further. You think he'd mind if you gave us some pictures?
ReplyDeletehey! I'm from 20sb and I saw your post on my wall. You're pretty funny. I must admit that I don't have much experience with penises but a zigzagged one is unbelievable... hehe
ReplyDeleteMakes you wonder if that was some previous injury...like going way too hard and Whoops!
ReplyDeleteI once had a woman back up a little bit too hard and I swore I broke my dick, but even with that sexual injury, zig-zagged? Um really?
ReplyDeleteMaybe he could make a living as a carnie?
lol, but did he WORK IT?
ReplyDeleteWow, I've seen curved penises but never a zig-zagged one. How crazy! How dd it feel?
ReplyDelete"When I say, “what was it like?” It means penis."
ReplyDeleteAre you sure we are not in the same group of friends??? Because yes- penis IS always my first thinly veiled question!
Though some girls do worry about their girl parts being pretty. Labia plasty. Vulva make up. Vajazzling. *shudder*
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