For girls, you don’t get funny by being skinny when you’re ten. And you definitely don’t get funny by being pretty any year before your 18th birthday. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…
The gift of humor comes when your 21 with adult braces and you are forced by your delusional intermediate acting teacher (who is paid by the university) to wear clown make- up for 12 hours straight. And I mean full on white face, with abnormally red cheeks and frizzy ass hair.
… okay the hair was my fault…but I had a feeling that straightening my hair that day wouldn’t exactly diffuse the situation.
You know what’s scarier than clown porn? A clown with ceramic braces…. it’s just doesn’t look right…
I made a girl in my media law class run into a wall and cry that day….she didn’t like clowns/sexually based jokes/me with or without whiteface. Granted, I didn’t like her, so it kind of worked out in my favor. But that’s beside’s the point.
And yet I seemed to be the only person in my acting class that was not okay with this infamous “Clown Day.” Like, I was the freak for not wanting unwarranted attention based solely on my outer appearance.
Um, sorry musical theatre majors, but I couldn’t fit into blue jeans for 12 years and was forced to wear elastic leggings by my mother, that were color coded with the season, my mood and whatever fast food I was eating that day…so, um, yeah…I think I already got my fix of gawking stares from random passerby’s.
We weren’t supposed to talk for those 12 hours either, but after I had my first interaction with Mr. Obvious at nine in the morning, my inner bitch came out real quick.
“Dude, that chicks got clown make-up on.”
“Yeah, no shit, dickwad.”
… Did I mention that I’m not a morning person… or an afternoon person… or an “If it were socially acceptable to wear clown make-up on a daily basis…I so would” person.
Now don’t get my wrong… I love looking disgusting… but only on my own accord. I call it the Amy Sedaris syndrome: beautiful girl just dying to be ugly and wrinkly and sexually perverse for an audience. (Watch, Strangers with Candy).
But, next time someone tells me I’m required to wear white-face and frolic amongst the normal’s (and knowing my life this will happen again), I’m totally throwing out the race card…
“Wait…fuck you…why do I have to wear white-face...why can't I be black? You racist.”
hahahahhaha! That was an awesome rant. I'm trying to figure out what the lesson could have been. Maybe the teacher was just trying to embarrass everyone?
ReplyDeletestill dying over the race card. Reminds me of that Sarah Silverman episode.
What the hell was this "teacher" trying to teach? Seems a touch past idiotic to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, clowns are creepy. Just sayin'.
Ew clowns!
ReplyDeletethat is all
HATE clowns.... I will always remember 2 things about clowns. The movie 'IT' I think it was in the ___ (nevermind it was long ago), and staying at a time share in Florida and the owners having a dozen clown dolls in the room I stayed in. Needless to say I turned all their heads to face the other way... Wait, POLTERGEIST. Evil clown in that movie... If I remember correctly it drags the kid under the bed or some such thing. *Shudder
ReplyDeleteCRAP, showing my age.
Ok, I had this conversation with everyone at work YESTERDAY. The world is divided into two groups: clowns and people who are terrified of them. When have you ever met someone who was just indifferent to clowns? Exactly.
ReplyDeleteClowns are sexy.
ReplyDeleteYour colored leggings is a tragic story.
You rant with the best of them.
Kick that teacher in the nuts. I had 1 teacher in college that wasn't full of shit, 1 total. This shit tends to happen with any art based majors, hipster fuckwads that are too up their own ass. Hippies, hipsters, hippopotamuses, I hate all labels that begin with hip, they're all just so full of shit.
Clowns still make me run away. I hate them. HATE!
ReplyDeleteClown Day? What a waste of time!
ReplyDeleteHow about something a little more productive and respectable like...
"Roll out of bed still drunk from the night before and go to class" Day...
Did we have the same mother? And the same childhood?
ReplyDeletegreat stuff !
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me my laugh reminded me of the movie IT. Since I refuse to ever even attempt to watch that, I'll never really know.
ReplyDeleteEither way, clowns, meh.
My mom was ALL ABOUT colored legging and big t-shirts for a while and I wasn't even large. What am I missing?
Lor
LOL race card. Frankly now I don't give a shit about what people think about the way I look. I've been through enough suffering and you know what? I am sexy and so is everyone else!
ReplyDeletehttp://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
The race card? You'd stoop that low?
ReplyDeleteBTW: clown porn? Really? Do they have that? I'm intrigued. If that shit doesn't exist yet, roll out the clown makeup again and make a clown porn sex tape. Now. I demand it. The interwebs needs that level of sick.
I wasn't expecting a clown post. I was looking for more scary unprotected sex stories that we at least know turned out okay.
ReplyDeleteI think you must post a photo of yourself in clown regalia in order to make up for the lack of sexual content. Or not. Whatever.
;-)
Why did you have to wear clown makeup for 12 hours? I don't understand how that could be required for a class! What if you were allergic to clown white?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE Strangers With Candy!
"...that chick has clown make up on..." as if it were an unzipped panty showing moment or a booger hanging from your bottom lip. your reaction was perfect.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you stopped by my blog tonight because now I am enjoying not only your header, but your stories & wit.
ReplyDeleteThat you can predict the day (night) you will have sex is a gift beyond words.
Have a great evening!
You had to do something uncomfortable for an acting class, oh my god, stop the presses! Wait till you have to pretend some non-tan, non-tattooed, non-stupid, non-bodybuilder guy like me is your husband or something, that will really be a day from hell!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better I had to change in a room with a bunch of naked dudes in training. That was literally the WORST part ever.
I wrote erotic literature for over 6 hours the other day! I dropped everything and just kept going and going. I ignored my dog, my acceptance letter, a potential writing deal, and my friends and just kept going. It turned out really great though.
rantastic, as always..!
ReplyDeletebut why?! why did you do it even the first time?!
Wait, they seriously made you wear clown makeup all day? That's fucked up. I thought it was bad enough that one of my professors made up bring our own clown noses to class and wear them during class, I draw the line when it goes outside of class.
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ReplyDelete