First things first I'm over @ http://www.funnynotslutty.com/ today, so go check it ouuuuuuuuuwt!
And next, I would like to present an honorable mention from my contest last month, Aggy, who has so graciously let me post her hilarious story...
Be sure to check her out at http://www.aggykryss.blogspot.com/ and now on to the story...
I used to work at a restaurant and there was this SUPER HOT guy who came in all the time and sat in my section. This was back when I was really into tattoos and piercings ("You have a tattoo? Here, look at my boobs!"), and this guy had 163, or so he said, with plans for more. He also had a tongue ring and eyebrow ring. And even without all the decoration, he was pretty to look at. He was also very nice and had a very sexay voice that could soak my panties in one phrase. Usually that phrase was, "I'll have the fried chicken and fish plate, please." I know, super sexy.
One day, he asked me to come hang out with him at his place after work. After my shift, I ran home to shave the hairs off my vag and legs and scrub the grease from the restaurant off my skin. I wore a pink tank top and even PUT ON MAKE UP. Woah. I was stoked.
I get to his house, and we sit in the front room and proceed to get fall on our asses drunk. His front room is quite normal (he was almost 30... I was 20... I was impressed with his lack of slovenliness that most other guys' apartments seemed to contain). After a while, the usual "lets-make-out-and-make-our-way-to-my-room" routine begins.
At this point, it is important to tell you I'd only slept with TWO other people in my life. This is very important information, keep it in the back of your mind.
Things are going good in the bedroom. Really good, in the dark, quiet room. His dick is gigantic, and I am excited to sample the biggest penis I had ever felt!
Things started to get awkward for me when he started saying things like, "Oh, you're such a dirty whore. Let me lick your A-hole." But I tried to roll with it, finger up the A and all, because hey, he was hot and I didn't want him to know how inexperienced I was! Duh!
Then, he turns on the lights. Because he wants to see how beautiful I am.
Holy. Fucking. Shit.
I'm lying on my back, on his bed, and he's sliding his giant dick into me, when I notice that over the bed he has hung a MOTHERFUCKING NAZI FLAG.
I look around the room and there are Confederate flags, there are Satanic posters, there are all SORTS OF CRAZY INSANE THINGS hanging all over this guy's room!!!!! And I'm too scared to stop him from slamming into me like a freaking horse on PCP because he's a MOTHERFUCKING NAZI!
After he finishes, he puts on a MOTHERFUCKING G.G. Allen video (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GG_Allin) and tells me THAT is his hero. At which point I gather my clothes in shame. And of course, thank him for the lovely time but I must be going now it's 6:00 am and I have class in two hours...
And he tells me, "Good. I gotta go pick my girlfriend up to take her to school anyway."
!!!
"Oh, does she go to the university too?" I ask.
"Nah. She goes to NAME OF LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL."
Ummmmmm...
And what's even weirder is that he called me a bunch of times to try to lure me back to his fortress of psycho.
The end!
Holy. Fucking. SHIT!
ReplyDeleteThank you thank you thank you for entertaining me today.
Glad that you're alive, girl. CRAZINESS.
oh my god. Adding this to my "glad I'm not single" file!
ReplyDeleteFreaking hilarious!
ReplyDeleteHoly Shit, I'm glad you made it out alive!
ReplyDeleteCrapping hell! I would of been very tempted to just run out screaming.
ReplyDeleteO_O...ummmm....
ReplyDeleteAwkward, but thank you for teaching me to look at a guy's bedroom before doing the nasty...
http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/
OMG I almost freaking fell off my chair-creepy x100
ReplyDeleteoh my god fucking crazy.
ReplyDeleteyou're seriously lucky to be alive. wow.
thanks for the laughs, lol.
WHOA. glad you hightailed it the fuck outta there....entertaining but seriously, i'm glad he didn't turn you into a lampshade and shit...
ReplyDelete***ladyvader99.blogspot.com***
Never had a Nazi in my bum before.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! :D
OH MY GOD! I am glad you made it out of that place alive! I can't even begin to imagine how scary that must have been. I'll do a lot for a good fuck...but that's going to far! WOW.
ReplyDeletemwhahahahahahahaha.
ReplyDelete... But yeah, that's good you got out, so that you could share this story with us :D This is also why I warn my younger friends that they should be suspicious of older guys who are into them, because there is often a very good reason they are not dating their peers.
Guy knows how to kill a party.
ReplyDeleteFCCing insane. There's only one thing to do after a night like that...blood test.
ReplyDeleteAlways tour the place before you commit, ladies. If he has a pit in the backyard, RUN. If he has a nazi flag, RUN. If he has decorative copper pots hanging on the walls of his kitchen, don't run...get his advice on shoes.
... The End. Yikes.
ReplyDeleteFavorite line: He was also very nice and had a very sexay voice that could soak my panties in one phrase. Usually that phrase was, "I'll have the fried chicken and fish plate, please."
ReplyDeleteAmaze balls!
Holy. Hell. That's awesome. And by awesome, I mean awkward. And by awkward, I mean I would still be in therapy.
ReplyDeleteThat was like the worst story ever! Aaahh! I probably would have cried or something lol.
ReplyDeleteOhhh... I cried. This was my very first attempt at casual sex... I'm surprised I didn't run and join a convent immediately after this experience!!!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness.... Aggy, the part in the bedroom sounds like the setup for a serial killer movie.
ReplyDeleteSome similarities between this guy and I (no, not joking)
ReplyDelete1.Both of us think GG allin is cool
2.Both of us own a shirt with an iron cross on it
3.Both of us were involved with girls in high school when we were not in high school, only I was only friends with them, they only stroked my ego
4.Both of us have read selections of Mein Kampf (that’s Hitler’s autobiography) and thought “wow, what a neat book!”
Here is one big difference though, he is a Nazi-sympathizer and I’m Lt. Aldo Raine and come from a family of Lt. Raines. It would be an interesting thanksgiving. A thousand tattoos and you don’t expect someone to be slightly unhinged? That’s like walking down a quiet street in Afghanistan and thinking its safe. It’s not safe, shiz is about to hit the fan yo. Did that analogy make sense?
Good Lord! You should send this story (maybe minus the dick talk) to high school girls everywhere to warn them against casual sex, LOL.
ReplyDeleteThis post led me to an interesting thought: Do all Nazis have big dicks? Or is that stereotyping? Hmmmmm.
You know what? I'm super glad you're still alive right now.
ReplyDeleteThat is all.