I hate it when I’m feeling really skinny and then I catch my thighs jiggling in the mirror, even though technically I wasn’t moving. At all.
I’m white, okay. White as one can be. A cracker. Caucasian some might say. I come from the land of Caucasia, where my fellow tribal members frolic to the barbaric beats of Michael Buble and watch Gilmore Girls.
So of course I’m obsessed with my weight. I blame the cast of Friends; all those whores were skinny as fuck and still had man problems. Even Chandler had an eating disorder. Nothing says white quite like a grown man who vomits after he eats.
I wish I were black. Seriously, you guys embrace that shit. Fat ass? Aw helllllll no, that shit is juicy. Or more accurately, Jell-O. Watch that shit jiggle!
Remember back in the good ol’ days/Dark Ages/last night at McDonalds parking lot, when being obese was the cool thing to do?
It meant you had a shit ton of money and thus were allowed to shove food into your face until you’ve reached sexual repulsion…. I was born in the wrong century…
Now all obesity means is you probably like Dunkaroos way more than the average person… which, um who the fuck doesn’t?
Goddamn, Dunkaroos are awesome. Especially the chocolate ones. Hot damn it’s like sex in my mouth, that I can actually enjoy.
I think this world would be a better place if we all ate lard. I’m serious. Don’t you agree?
It would be just like this whole “I don’t see color” charade, except more realistic. We would only be able to see one shape. Huge.
We’d all win. We’d get to eat whatever we wanted, the naturally skinny bitches that we all hated in high school would probably be accidently eaten when the food supply runs out and sex would inevitably get better because we’d all be forced to actually try.
I think we all know why its called the Dark Ages, cause no bitch wanted to turn the lights on during sex. And honestly, my fat ass will be happy to make that sacrifice.