I hate it when I’m feeling really skinny and then I catch my thighs jiggling in the mirror, even though technically I wasn’t moving. At all.
I’m white, okay. White as one can be. A cracker. Caucasian some might say. I come from the land of Caucasia, where my fellow tribal members frolic to the barbaric beats of Michael Buble and watch Gilmore Girls.
So of course I’m obsessed with my weight. I blame the cast of Friends; all those whores were skinny as fuck and still had man problems. Even Chandler had an eating disorder. Nothing says white quite like a grown man who vomits after he eats.
I wish I were black. Seriously, you guys embrace that shit. Fat ass? Aw helllllll no, that shit is juicy. Or more accurately, Jell-O. Watch that shit jiggle!
Remember back in the good ol’ days/Dark Ages/last night at McDonalds parking lot, when being obese was the cool thing to do?
It meant you had a shit ton of money and thus were allowed to shove food into your face until you’ve reached sexual repulsion…. I was born in the wrong century…
Now all obesity means is you probably like Dunkaroos way more than the average person… which, um who the fuck doesn’t?
Goddamn, Dunkaroos are awesome. Especially the chocolate ones. Hot damn it’s like sex in my mouth, that I can actually enjoy.
I think this world would be a better place if we all ate lard. I’m serious. Don’t you agree?
It would be just like this whole “I don’t see color” charade, except more realistic. We would only be able to see one shape. Huge.
We’d all win. We’d get to eat whatever we wanted, the naturally skinny bitches that we all hated in high school would probably be accidently eaten when the food supply runs out and sex would inevitably get better because we’d all be forced to actually try.
I think we all know why its called the Dark Ages, cause no bitch wanted to turn the lights on during sex. And honestly, my fat ass will be happy to make that sacrifice.
There's nothing wrong with being bootylicious! Shake that azz, girl!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha..you had me cracking up..eating lard adn all the skinny girls getting eaten..lol. You're funny as hell.
ReplyDeleteHahaha, amen girl! I think you're onto something with this "let's all be fat and happy" thing. Pass the Dunkaroos, please. :D
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ReplyDeleteHave you heard of that study that overweight men last longer in bed (a whopping 7 MINUTES!!)? I think the same must hold true for us ladies in terms of enjoyment, so it truly is a win-win situation.
ReplyDeleteTake what you want from this, but that whole rant sounded like a wonderful stand-up bit :)
ReplyDeleteI just got the pics back from my sister's wedding and I looked like a whale. A giant whale. And I thought I was looking skinny and awesome.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally down to eat lard with you.
LMAO!! I have definitely learned to embrace my fat ass! Although trying to fit into cute jeans sometime is a serious bitch!!!
ReplyDeleteCheck out my blog! I definitely nominated you for an award cause you always have me cracking up!
Just get drunk before having sex. That way, in your mind, you move like a porn star and look like (insert name of body you covet here). Plus, if it sucks, the next day you can claim to have blacked it out.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I really do. But you know what? I don't think it's the girls who have the problem here. We are sexy, physical people just like the skinny girls. It's the MEN. They are the ones that are screwing us over. Well... NOT screwing us over. We need to do something to change their perspective. Make them realize that chubby is still sexy. It's just more cushion for pushin'.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.simplykateweber.blogspot.com
Put me on a clam shell and call me Venus.
ReplyDeleteI totally get you on the wrong century thing.
I feel this same way, like, all the time.
ReplyDeleteWell there are some guys out there who like the bigger women and can't stand skinny little bitches. I'm one!
ReplyDeleteBravo sexy lady! I have some wobbly bits myself that belong in the Dark Ages. And I absolutely need some of that Dunkaroo action.
ReplyDeleteOh you are hilarious! :) I's is following you's now! :) *does a happy dance and swallows a table spoonfull of lard* LMAOOOOOOOOO
ReplyDeleteWeight gain always goes directly to my stomach and nowhere else. This disproportionate weight-gain can prompt other people to congratulate me and pat my stomach and ask "when is it due?".
ReplyDeleteI'd rather gain all over, or maybe in a useful place like my boobs. To remedy this situation, I'm going to eat more foods. Particularly, more foods that are covered in melted cheese...
from one big ass white girl to another, keep fighting the good fight! Is it too early to want a butterfinger? I didn't know they still sold dunkaroos... adding to shopping list....
ReplyDeleteYou so gotta claim your blackness now mama! Your booty can jiggle all day and get hella looks from every brotha that crosses the street! lmfao
ReplyDelete...it has draw backs though...my big booty is a gold tooth magnet! ewwwwwwww
omg. dunkaroos. that is all.
ReplyDelete1. Holy shit DUNKAROOS I totally forgot about them, I didn't even know they still made them. Turns out you can get them on amazon. (why am I not surprised?)
ReplyDelete2. There's a country where they WANT their women fat--they even force feed their daughters. I saw it on some show, presumably MSNBC since that's what's came up when I googled "country prefer women fat," and it was kind of sad watching the little girl gag on camel's milk, but damn, if I didn't think about relocating...
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18141550/
THIS has to be the funniest post I've read in a Lard's Age!
ReplyDelete...would probably be accidently eaten when the food supply runs out - HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
But then again, life would be boring. Isn't that what's fun? That there's small... and big?
ReplyDeleteKane
When I first read this, I thought, we were programmed for thinness for survival, blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda is there an inherent purpose to life? Yadda yadda
ReplyDeleteBut then I stopped that train of thought and I realized, wait a tick, obese persons die sooner, are more helpless in a survival situation, easier to victimize, and I can always outrun them! I win in the fat future! So please everyone everywhere keep eating! Quit your job, quit school, and quit pawtying and just eat please. I'll buy.
You know what I feel the need to write here? That my aunt and uncle, who say I'm like the son they never had, didn't invite me to their wedding. What gives?
To quote Joey from FRIENDS "I'm curvy and I like it."
ReplyDeleteI began to realise maybe I was putting on a bit too much weight when fat Monica no longer looked that fat...
ReplyDeleteI love this post! It has me stalking/following your blog :)
mmmmmm.... Dunkarooos
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