And rather than actually get off my fat ass and do something about it, I’d rather just complain and lower my standards. Which if you know me, you know there pretty low to begin with. Well maybe not low, just “different.”
My mom once said to marry someone fatter than you, so that way when you let yourself go about five months after the wedding, you still won’t be the “fat one” in the relationship. Dear God, I think she may be right.
She also said to marry a Jew. So I have combined the two and made a hybrid of the perfect man: a Fat Jew. They’re great with their money and yet their self esteem is low enough that they’ll spend thousands to keep you around.
Ladies and Gentlemen this is the perfect man: The Fat Jew.
Fat Jews come in all shapes and size. Each one as juicy as the last:
#1 Fat Jew: Seth Rogen: Chunky, cheeky and a fro could a girl (or guy) ask for more? Um…no.
Seth Rogen is by far my dream man. Sexy, jewey, and all sorts of love. This man will keep your jelly roll flappin’ with all his funny one liners.
Seth Rogen I will make a porno with you! I will!
Fat Jew numero 2: Jonah Hill
Even though you may have lost some weight mister, you are still a Jew I would do.
Oh blue eyes, I’ve always wanted to date a jew with bigger boobs than me. Jonah Hill I say yes!
And last but not least…..
Fat Jew numero 3: Jason Segal.
You make me laugh, you make me giggle. Now let’s force feed each other lard and kosher bacon.
But you’re looking a little chunky….can you gain weight please? Thank you!